It's hard to put yourself out there, but it's even worse when the object of your affection doesn't pick up on your hints. Our advice? Just be blunt. Otherwise, you risk missing out on love--that's what happened to these guys. We asked people from around the world to share the obvious romantic hints that went completely over their heads.
Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay
69. It makes a great snack.
A girl in high school invited me to her house when her parents were out. Then asked if I wanted to see her room.
Stupid teenage me was more curious how the popcorn from the popcorn machine in the kitchen tasted.
68. Whoops, indeed.
My friend sent a picture of her "halloween" outfit asking for my opinion. When I look back and think... She was just in a bra. I responded with "you'll be cold." Whoops.
67. Shopping around.
After helping a pretty woman pick out some cheeses for a wine she had in her basket, she said "thanks, I guess I'm off to drink this bottle of wine now, alone." Obliviously, my response was "okay, well you have a good night!"
Photo by Artem Beliaikin from Pexels
66. Doomed to be single.
Went camping with some friends, including this girl I had a crush on. Her:
"Hey, there's room in my tent if you want to join me."
"Thanks, but I brought my own tent!"
And that's the story of why my friends think I'm doomed to be single forever.
65. Quick-change artist.
Well, when I was in high school a bunch of us went swimming at a local park. While there a girl kept messing with me, splashing me etc. Later we went to a friends house and I grabbed my clothes to change in a bedroom. That girl said she wanted to "help me change my clothes." I told her that I was totally capable of changing my own clothes! Can anyone out there be as naive as that?
64. Missed the boat.
Met a cute girl at a party. She was laughing at all my stupid jokes, even when nobody else was, she moved over to sit next to me as soon as possible and leaning all up in my business, her hand was on my thigh, head on my shoulder, letting her shirt slip down without adjusting, her other hand gently caressing my back. I was interested in her, but I naturally assumed that she wanted nothing to do with me romantically, so I just completely missed all of it. After she left everybody called me an idiot and I haven't seen her since.
63. This is criminal.
I was at work one day when a new cop assigned to patrol the area where our office was came in to introduce himself. He'd come in regularly, always have a chat with me, and after a few days gave me his card with his cell phone number on it and told me to call him anytime. I thought he meant if we had a troublesome client because we'd had them in the past. A few weeks later he came in while I was out of the office and told my coworker he'd been disappointed I hadn't called him. Apparently he'd given me his personal number, not his work one, and I'd been completely oblivious.
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62. Home for the holidays.
I had the house to myself for a week during spring break when I was 17. I invited my friends over everyday and they came and went as they pleased. My best friend, who was a girl, and I went swimming and got into a conversation about relationships with each other. I was clueless. Later that day everyone came to my house and we watched movies on netflix until about 2:30-3:00 in the morning. As they left I headed to bed and hear the door close. Next thing I know my best friend got in bed with me and asked can we cuddle so she can stay warm. Still clueless. We sleep and I wake up to our lips touching. Instead of returning the kiss, I got out of bed and made breakfast. After she ate and left my house I got a text from her saying verbatim "Why didn't you like me I've been putting the moves on you all week?" My parents came home the next day. Opportunity missed.
61. Putting 2 and 2 together.
Back in high school we had those Graphing Calculators for Math Class. Anyways, you could write your own programs on them (If you knew how) or just write a bunch of formulas and notes as the "Code." The program wouldn't run, but your could just edit the code and basically get a little message to show up on the screen.
This cute girl asks me if I could put the formulas into her calculator for the test.
I open "Math1" and the Code said: I THINK YOURE CUTE
Of course, I just assume she wrote this about someone else and it was just an old file. I actually got kind of jealous that she liked someone else. I erased it, put the formula in and give her calculator back.
It wasn't until later than day that I actually kind of put the pieces together that maybe she liked me.
I'm an idiot.
60. Together forever.
About a year before I started dating my fiance, we had been flirting for months and he texted me, "I wish we were together..." I replied, "Like you wish we were hanging out right now? Yeah, me too!" Totally killed his confidence, hence us being friends for several years before we started dating.
59. Too little, too late.
I gave a girl a lift home from a date one night and she invited me in for "Coffee", I declined. My excuse being that it was late and I would not be able to sleep. That night I couldn't sleep, because I was up all night kicking myself once I'd realised what "Coffee" really meant!
58. Don't be fooled.
He texted me that he loved me.
Unfortunately, he happened to text me at 12:01 am April 1st, so I thought it was an April Fool's prank and ignored it.
It wasn't.
57. Stalker style.
This was like 9th grade. A group of girls would follow me as I walked home, never really trying to pretend they weren't. They never followed me all the way home; when I got to an intersection they wouldn't follow me. They would catch up to me and talk to me, asking for my number and telling me to get a Facebook. I'm not sure if they were interested in me or just doing this for fun. Anyways, they did this for a few weeks but eventually they stopped. One girl kept following me and kept trying to talk to me. She seemed sincere but I was a little suspicious, so I always tried to avoid her. Guess I'll never really know.
56. High fives all around.
I had an awkward summer romance and during this after a faculty performance, before anything happened between us, I walked her back to her dorm and we stood there in front of her building talking about the performance and such. When the conversation came to a lull, she held out her hands semi palms up and looked up at me with these gorgeous blue eyes... and then I looked down at her hands, gave her a double high five and walked away.
Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash
55. Two birds with one stone.
Girl in high school came to my house and we made out. We had one of those we argue but we're actually into each other relationships, and once we kissed I was ready to ask her out. Well, she told me she didn't want a relationship and I was so confused because I figured all signs point to yes.
Turns out I didn't hear her correctly: she said she didn't want a boyfriend... What she really wanted was someone to mess around with. I didn't pick up on that and ended up asking out a girl I had no interest in, and ruined relationships with both girls. I was not a smart boy.
54. Missed the mark.
When I was around 11 or 12, I invited one of my childhood best friends to the movies for my birthday. He showed up with flowers and shyly gave them to me after his dad prompted him to. He would also invite me over to his house all the time, and let me play on his drum set, which I later found out he never let anyone else do. We would always hang out alone and talk a lot, and one time the subject was kissing. I'm still convinced that he was going to kiss me that day but some random people found us together and that kind of ruined the mood. Much later, a mutual friend of ours mentioned how he had this huge crush on me for so long, but when I acted surprised, the guy shut up really quickly. I still regret it every time I see him.
Photo by vjapratama from Pexels
53. At least they have chemistry.
Met a girl in my chemistry class, we started talking and usually sat next to each other. One day I mention that I'm a little hungry and will probably get lunch after class. She says she's hungry too and we decide to get lunch together. Normally I'd be excited that a girl even talked to me, but she was way out of my league, so I didn't think she'd even have a morsel of interest in me. After lunch we go back to our Residence Hall, we lived in the same building. I go to get on the elevator to go up to the 6th floor, and she stops me by placing a hand on my forearm and says "wait, I think I left my sweater in your room" I simply look at her and say "you've never been in my room before." After this I facepalmed so hard, and I regret it everyday. Now she doesn't even look at me.
52. Not the best at texting.
Literally just had this happen to me over text:
Me: Thanks for that random call, it was nice to talk to you!
Her: No problem, I was just heading to bed and thought of you.
Me: Oh so you're all snuggled up in your PJs then?
Her: Just in a tank and panties actually.
Me: Oh nice, I can't really sleep with a shirt on or I wake up all sweaty.
Her: I have no problem with you being shirtless.
Me: Haha why would you have a problem? I've slept shirtless since I was 8. Well I'll let you go, talk to you tomorrow?
...
Me: Hello? Did you fall asleep?
I am not a smart man.
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51. When mummy's not around...
Back in school, I was watching The Mummy Returns with a beautiful girl, a year or two older than me, that I had a big crush on. Brendan Fraser was kissing Rachel Weisz on screen, and she said to me, "Whenever there's a kiss in a film I always wish I had someone to kiss me". Wow, I thought. That's so hot. I'd love to be the guy she wanted to kiss. Later on Fraser and Weisz get smoochy again, and she repeats, "I wish I had someone to kiss me. Don't you?" I said, "Yeah, I do", and went back to watching the terrible, terrible film.
It occurred to me an absurdly long time later that she meant for me to kiss her, and wasn't just idly commenting. To this day I am so angry with myself that I just punched my leg in rage.
Pixabay
50. Once in a lifetime opportunity.
In high school there was this girl that would always come up to me and give me a hug. I felt it was pretty normal but looking back at it I realize I was the only person she would hug. During lunch she would come sit on my lap and ask me about my day, text me during class, etc. She invites me to a party, things escalate, and she is making out with another chick on the sofa. They were both pretty good looking so it made a bit of a scene, they notice and stop. She gets up walks to me and whispers in my ear "Do you want to come watch in the bedroom?" Like a moron, I felt awkward and said no to watching my friend make out with another girl, or even join them had I not been so naive and took in the hints. It all hit me at the end of the day when she was noticeably disappointed and left the party instead of joining that other chick.
Photo by Matan Segev from Pexels
49. Poetry play.
In 8th grade, every morning as I waited for the school bus, a girl from my orchestra class would come up to me and nervously talk to me or ask me to read her poetry and tell me which poem I liked best. I was just like, ok, this one, and she would always agree. I didn't know anything about poetry. When we were in class, I would turn around and she would be staring at me from where she sat a few rows back. I would just be kind of embarrassed. Mostly I brushed it off.
She left school a week before school ended for the year, some kind of family vacation, and I found that she had left me a very nice greeting card saying, "Thanks for everything you do for me."
Then I was like, "Hey, wait a minute ... Did she have a crush on me?"
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48. No second chances.
A guy I was really into when I was at college mentioned that his dorm room was being fumigated so he was trying to find a place to crash. I figured, what the hell, offer him a place and try to get some nookie, so I suggested he come home with me. He declined, reminding me that I lived in a studio apartment and it would probably be crowded with an air mattress. So I said he could sleep in the bed. He asked me where I was gonna sleep in that case. I said I could also sleep in the bed. He then said he didn't want to impose on me by making me share my bed. I let it go but a couple years later before graduation he mentioned that he had a major crush on me at that time. I reminded him of the time I tried to get him in bed with me and he was so dumb-founded that he had missed his chance when it was offered on a silver platter. We remain good friends but never more than that.
Photo by Anastasiya Gepp from Pexels
47. To be fair, he was right.
I once was modeling clothes I planned to take on vacation for my boyfriend. After showing off a couple of outfits, I told him to close his eyes and changed into lingerie. He opened his eyes and I asked him what he thought. His jaw dropped and he said, "You can't wear that outside!"
I put my clothes back on.
46. Let the moment slip right by.
My buddy in college was stressing over when to make the move to kiss a girl he liked. While we encouraged him to not wait for the perfect moment and just go for it, he admitted he should have tried to kiss her when they were in the shower. Well, duh.
45. Somebunny loves him.
I'd been flirting with this guy. Over text, we were discussing costumes and I sent a picture of me in my bunny suit and said I'd need help out of it . His response was telling me he hoped my roommate was home or that would suck.
I had to tell him I was implying I'd like HIM to take it off me and it took him a minute to catch up.
Photo by fotografierende from Pexels
44. She got through to him.
Friend was complaining he was hot because of his long sleeve shirt. I said, "oh I'm sure you'd be just as hot without the shirt." He was so unaware but I finally just kissed him.
43. It all worked out.
I complained I was a bit cold, so he gave me a blanket. I then told him there's space for two under the blanket (in an obvious flirting tone). He answered with "No thanks, I'm not cold". I still tease him with it once in a while (we're married now).
42. She's the nicest.
I went out of my way to come in early and talk to this guy every day for like a month before someone else told him I was into him. I also repeatedly told him I liked him.
He thought I was just being nice.
41. What's in a name?
I had a girl invite me round her house once just to show me her posters. They were all of Harley Davidson motorbikes, and she said she's never ridden a Harley before... Awkward silence and after a few other sort bits of small talk I decided to be on my way.
2 years later I'm sitting on the bus and realise what she meant... Harley. Ridden a Harley... My name is Harley.
40. That's a big shower.
A guy I'm currently seeing invited me camping earlier this month. We were cuddling and I noted how nice the showers are in the bathroom at the provincial park. I said "They're really warm and lots of space for 2 people," trying to hint for him to join me for sexy time. This man without missing a beat says "Actually, you could fit like 10 people in those showers." We laughed about it really hard the next weekend and he said "I knew what you were getting at but my brain just wanted to answer it logically."
Pixabay
39. Blast from the past.
When I was like 15-16 this girl from school I had a huge crush on kept inviting me to her house when she was alone, wearing the smallest tops and asking for back massages. I never got the hint.
Years later when I started going out with my now fiancée, that girl's sister tells my girlfriend "hey, my sister had such a crush on him back in school."
I was not a bright teenager.
38. That's cold.
A girl came to my house once and spent the night. Around the time for bed, she told me she doesnt sleep with a top on or panties. I told her thats okay I'll sleep on the couch so she can be comfy.
She called me from downstairs later that night and told me she couldn't sleep and she was cold. I figured "well obviously! You're naked!" So I gave her another blanket and went back downstairs.
37. Achey-break-y back.
Invited this guy to my place after our date. Got him into my room, into my bed. He was just lying there so I told him my back was feeling sore, and asked him if he could give me a massage. His reply: ''Oh I don't want to crush you with my weight.''
Gave up and went to sleep.
36. Wrong floor.
Not a girl, but I was staying a night at a hotel, and the hotel bar had just closed. I went out front for a smoke and start chatting with two women. We chat for a few minutes and then all head back into the hotel and to the elevator. We get in, they press 15, I press 9, and one of them turns to me and says "I don't suppose there's a secret bar on the 9th floor we can go to?".
My dumb response: "No, but you can grab a cab and be at a bar in 10 mins." Then the doors open and I leave.
35. Must have been a good movie.
Invited him over to "watch a movie" eventually laying my legs across his lap and hard flirting but after 4 movies I had to finally make the move by telling him outright I wanted to get down and dirty.
34. We'll get there eventually.
I straight up told a guy I like him. I think his response was something like “but I’m kinda trash” or something self-deprecating.
He’s friends with my best friend, and she confirmed that his depression is so bad that it takes a lot before he actually accepts any sort of positive attention. I think to some degree its mutual? Hard to tell, as I, too, am oblivious when guys drop hints. I'm gonna keep trying, though.
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
33. He's touched.
I'm not as brutally upfront as some people and this exchange just happened to me yesterday:
"How do I know a girl is flirting with me?" He asks.
"She touches you a lot while you two are talking."
"I cannot relate at all. That never happens to me."
"I'm sure it does!" I tell him while stroking his arm.
"I can't think of any time that's ever happened."
32. She let him win.
We were playing don't drink and drive on Mario Kart. Just the two of us. I was trashing him, so l 'gave him a chance' by lying sideways across his lap for the entire race. He didn't take the hint.
We started dating 2 weeks after that.
Image by Serhii Chernetskyi from Pixabay
31. Let's get wet.
I asked a guy on a festival to come take a shower with me. He didn't get it. He just repeated there was only one free shower and I was like "well they are big I'm sure it's fine" and he just looked confused and told me I could go first. We became close friends since that happened about 2 years ago and this summer I spoke to him about it and he really had no idea. He did the biggest facepalm I've ever seen.
30. Finally, a winner.
I used to be oblivious, probably still am.
There was a girl at a local grocery store who was flirting with me but of course, I didn't get it. After quite a bit of this, I leave town for a few months and we're corresponding via email.
I can't remember why, but I was asking her a string of silly questions, like, Why is the Sky blue? Chicken or the egg first? Where do babies come from?, etc.
She answered them all, saving "Where do babies come from?" for last and answered it with......
"When you get back I'm going to show you."
That hint, I finally got.
Pixabay
29. He still put a ring on it.
My fiancee thinks leaving my bedroom door open when she spent the night, when we were just friends, and she lived out of town, and there was absolutely no reason for me to think anything romantic was going on, was obvious.
I got up and closed the door because the AC was on and was low-key miffed. We were friends for a long time before we got together and she had a meeting early in the morning so I gave her my bed and slept on the couch. She left the door open thinking I would "take the hint."
28. Captain Obvious strikes out.
I am a guy, but I can share my density as the guy that missed the hints. I went to a record store where there was a girl I liked in college. We used to small talk while I browsed and never bought anything, being a poor college student.
This time I came in the store and she said I and we chatted a bit while I shopped. She complained, "I'm going to be home alone tonight, my family is out of town."
I replied, "oh that's too bad."
She says, "I'm off at 5 today (it was 4 at the time), what are you up tonight? I'm up for anything".
"Oh nothing, just sitting at home and watching a movie."
My brain must have completely self destructed, because the conversation ended there. I never saw her again after that, she either quit, or was avoiding me. I must have been in a daze from school to miss that cue.
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
27. Eventually he picked up on it.
On our first date, my current boyfriend and I went out to dinner, to a bar, and eventually back to his house to watch scary movies. After hanging out for almost 8 hours at that point, practically cuddling into him the entire time we were watching movies, dropping as many hints as I could, around 3 am when we were both fighting to stay awake, I finally had to look him in the eye and ask, "so are you going to kiss me or not?"
Though he was totally oblivious, it did show his good heart. He was about to let me me fall asleep on his couch and spend the night without even trying to kiss me. I knew he was a keeper after that.
Image by Tanya Patxot from Pixabay
26. Let's play.
He invited me to his house to watch a movie after a few dates. He ended up playing league of legends for hours while I was laying in his bed and asked him many times if he would like to join. He kept saying, "Sorry just one more match." We dated for 2 years.
25. Good things come in subtle packages.
For Valentine's a couple of years ago, I mailed my husband a package. The note said, and I quote, "I want you NOW!" I was ready to spring into some extra fun sexy time whenever he opened the package. I had to sit him down and explain a couple of hours later. He was like "OHHHHHHH..."
Pixabay
24. Long courtship.
We matched on Bumble (dating app that the girl has to talk first) AND I started a convo with him.
He thought I just matched him because we were friends. Uhh no it’s a DATING APP.
We didn’t start dating until almost a year after that.
We are married now.
Photo by Kaboompics .com from Pexels
23. Two introverts get into a bed...
When my boyfriend and I had just started dating we were laying down watching a movie, but this was a small bed and he was being respectful and giving me space. I kept wiggling backwards so I could get closer to him and he kept inching backwards too, since he thought I was just trying to get comfortable and he was in the way. He ended up sitting in a chair next to the bed.
Three years later we are still together, and I still think it's pretty funny. He told me that when he was in the chair he purposefully left his hand next to me in case I wanted to hold it, but I guess I missed that sign too. ( He didn't get out of the bed because he was uncomfortable, he truly thought he was taking up too much space and didn't realize I was trying to cuddle).
22. Make a salon appointment.
He told me my hair looked nice. I said, "bet it would look nicer with your hands in it." He said, in a very confused tone, "...you want me to style your hair?"
21. That's the game of life.
We were playing Life and he was the police officer. The rule is, if you spin a 10, he gets your “speeding fines.” I literally pulled open my button down and exposed my breasts and said “what can I do to get out of paying this.”
He said, “ma’am. I am an officer of the law. Are you trying to solicit to me?”
A couple days of flirting and sexual innuendo later I literally had to spell out that I was trying to get with him. We’ve been together 6 years now.
Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
20. She spelled it out for him.
Even though I'm a guy, I have a good story about this. When I was younger, there was a girl that we were super close, friends for ages at this point. One day she was a little off so asked her what we're going on. He response was something like "I have something that I need to tell you, but I'm afraid what you will think about me, after telling you this, and I love so much our friendship that I can't see a future without you... I really really love you and don't want to ever lose you." (I just translated the most important parts of the text - I still have that screenshot). My response was "Oh, I really love you too, can't see my future without you and we are going to be best friends forever", at that time, I really wanted to date her, but still didn't got it what she meant. Took me 2 days to start understanding what was happening and 3 of her friends screaming at me that she wanted to date me for me to finally get the hint.
Pixabay
19. Down to the letter.
This guy I was dating decided to read to me a letter his father wrote to him that had advice on dating. My date was an excellent gentleman with a whole lot of things going for him. Unfortunately, hygiene wasn't one of them.
Anyway, he came to a part of the letter where his father had listed different reasons why it is so important to have good hygiene. I piped up then with a, "Oh yes! I love that piece of advice. Your dad is really smart."
He never took the hint. When I later broke up with him, I never told him but hygiene was one of the reasons. I really hope he's doing okay out there and either figured it out or found someone with a stronger stomach.
Yes, I should have told him directly. I was younger and dumber then and didn't want to hurt his feelings. I know better now.
18. She shoots; he doesn't score.
So this was two weeks before me and my ex started dating. He used to walk me home from school everyday (I only lived a 12 minute walk away from school, whereas he lived a 20 minute drive away from the school. Still made sure to walk me home from school everyday. Anyways, not the point.) Anyway, one day, he walked me home and I went to open my garage and saw that no one was home yet. So I make the executive decision to invite this boy (who I had a raging crush on) inside my house with no one home for a "house tour". He agreed and in we went. So I show him around the house, and the entire time we're flirting. I eventually bring him upstairs to my room. So we hang out in there for a while and we start talking about past relationships. We ended up making a deal that if we both hadn't lost our virginity by senior prom, we'd lose it to each other. Once again, we were in my house, with no one home, in my room with my door closed. I'm pretty sure telling a kid you've made clear you're flirting with heavily that you would indeed sleep with him, is a large sign. We ended up dating two weeks later. "We're dating now" is how he asked me out.
11. Can you be blunt?
I'll answer in lieu of my wife. I thought she was out of my league, and apparently she thought I was out of her league too, but she couldn't stop the feels. She rubbed her feet on me while we were talking, asked me in detail about my 'package', gave me her phone number with the line "Hit me up if you want pizza and something extra." We went out for lunch, and she was very insistent that we got Meat Lover's pizza when I asked her what she wanted for watching a movie later.
After we watched the movie (she was in my bed), I figured she was just wanting to keep warm and cuddle, but she strutted into my bathroom stark naked and I had some DD's staring at me. She kissed me and told me "I want you to do me, you idiot." A regular romance story there.
In my defense, she had a really warped sense of humor and I thought she was kidding with all that stuff. It felt so natural with us being friends that the thought didn't even cross my mind until she propositioned me that there was potential for more.
10. We are experiencing technical difficulties.
I knew this guy was into me but I wanted him to to do the first move. One night he got the courage to invite me for a drink when we met at a bar. Next day, knowing he works in IT, I pretended I need some help with my computer. Before he came I sent him a text asking what kind of wine he prefers. He arrived and he obviously thought he is there to fix my laptop. I made up some stupid problem with setting the volume in a movie player, which he showed me immediately how to do properly. I sat next to him on the couch, gave him all sorts of looks and hints and waited for ..something... no move, not even some shy "accidental" touch of hands. So I got up, and said I need to go to the bathroom to freshen up. When I got back, he was already waiting at the door, saying it's getting late (it was 7pm). I lived in an building that required a key card also for leaving the main entrance, so I had to go down with him, it was a dreadful awkward elevator ride. After he stepped out he turned around and I though maybe he finally got it, maybe he understood why I am so flushed. He just waved goodbye and left. He sent me like 60 roses the next day, took him a full 24 hours to realize he was not invited to fix my computer. But the next evening, I still had to kiss him first, because he was, and still is a clueless moron.
9. That whoosh is the sound of her pass going over your head.
There's a reason he became my ex, I guess. I bought new lingerie, waited on the bed for him to come home from work. He comes in, looks a little shocked, says "that's nice" and adjusts the straps. Laid down and started staring at his phone. He said later, after our breakup, that he just didn't know what to do and freaked out inwardly cuz it was something he'd always wanted. I never wore lingerie for him again after that incident, it killed my confidence.
I'm not salty about it and don't hold it against him. It's a funny little anecdote and stemmed from us both being embarrassed by the situation. He's a pretty good dude. I didn't push or throw a tantrum. I was inwardly a little upset but didn't outwardly react badly, because that's not fair on the other person. I just got changed and snuggled instead.
8. Happily ever after.
This girl I met freshman year of college was really into me and I was 100% completely oblivious.
She always invited me to do things with her, even simple things like go to the store. She would ask me to study with her even though we weren't in any of the same classes. We were both on the cross country and track team and she always tried to sit close to me on trips. Once when I got sick, she brought me a basket of treats and wished me to get better. A few months later when I got even more sick she walked me to the health center even though it was midnight on a weekday and freezing cold out (she even brought a hat and gloves for me to wear). The next day, she brought my favorite food back from the cafeteria for me to eat in my dorm room. The thought of her being into me was completely absent from my mind.
Good news though, that was 7 years ago and now we're engaged. She liked me from the first day she met me and it only took me about 9 months to catch on. Even when I finally got the nerve to ask her out, I still thought there was a good chance she'd shut me down.
7. Miss Lonelyhearts.
This was some years ago; I was 22, had been talking to this guy for a while, and was ready to be intimate with someone. I was a college student living at home, but my mom and stepdad were on vacation celebrating their anniversary, and I figured this would be the perfect time to make my move. He and I already had a date scheduled, so before we went, I cleaned my room and the entire house from top to bottom, created a chill playlist on my computer to listen to, shaved/waxed every necessary inch of my body from the forehead down, put on sexy underwear, and waited for him to pick me up. We went out to the movies, and when he dropped me off at home, I invited him in--with the added context and in a leading, flirty tone of voice--that we would be all alone and had all the time in the world to do whatever he wanted.
He said, "That's alright, I'm sure you want to enjoy this time you get without your parents to be alone."
He was sure, and he was wrong.
I just stared at him for like ten solid seconds in silence before I nodded, said "Yeah that's true", and got out of the car. The walk from my driveway to the front door was the real walk of shame, and I hadn't even gotten any good nookie out of it. After that, I sat in my very clean house in my sexy underwear, eating pizza and wondering how that could have gone differently. It was my first time trying to seduce a guy and it failed miserably. I laughed about it though, and I still laugh about it now. I just figured it wasn't in the cards for me yet.
6. So romantic.
A couple years ago, I had met up with a friend from high-school. She was pretty much a friend with benefits, except we didn't act like friends. We never talked or hung out unless we were getting ready to go at it. (This is kind of important to my failure) She had told me recently about how she had had her first threesome with a female friend of hers and a mutual guy friend of theirs. I never thought anything of it.
One night, I was getting ready to head back to college after summer. I called her up, as I wanted to have some fun before leaving in the morning. It was about 1:30 am, and I was feeling extra lazy, so I was attempting to talk her into coming over for a bit.
Her: "Well, I have a friend over here, and I don't want her to be bored... could you just come over here?"
Me: "She's going to be just as bored if I come over there."
Her: ". . . No she won't. Just come on over. We'll have fun!"
I ended up staying home, because I was getting too tired. I woke up in the morning and slammed my head repeatedly in the shower door.
Pixabay
5. It hit him a year later...
In college, had a fun night of dorm drinking. Everyone starts admiring my roommates and my PCs that we built ourselves. A girl from the floor said she had been having computer problems, and wanted to know if I could take a look, so I told her I would stop by the next day and take a look. She claims she was really worried since she had a paper to do for the next week, so it was a time sensitive issue and she wanted to get it taken care of that night. I was having a good time hanging out with friends, so I told her I could stop by early the next morning, but she said she was going to be leaving for something early next morning so she needed it taken care of tonight. At this point, I gave up trying to schedule a time where I could fix this chick's computer FOR FREE since she was so insistent on ruining my having a good time with friends on a Friday night.
I didn't realize what I missed until I started dating her the next year and she started yelling at me for being oblivious and missing hints and brought up that night.
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4. Time to face the music.
I am professionally awesome at completely missing hints.
I was in orchestra (played viola) throughout middle and high school and there was a fellow violist who, in hindsight, was probably interested in me for a significant portion of that time. She was a year younger than me and we spent a fair amount of time together due to orchestra activities but... I just never got it.
Some examples:
My orchestra director once all but told me that this girl liked me. She said something along the lines of "[the girl] was trying to impress someone at the social, wink wink." I probably responded obliviously with something like, "Oh, is that so..."
When I graduated, I went to university pretty close to where we all lived. After she graduated, she drove out to my dorm to see me, for really no great reason other than to see me. Even my own parents hadn't come out to visit me once at this point. If you think I couldn't be more dense, wait, here comes the good part.
I talk with her a bit and show her around some of campus and as we're walking back to her car, she jokingly asks if I've met anyone during my year in college. I say "No, how about you?" pretty intent on continuing to stupidly make small talk. She turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Actually, there's this guy that I've liked for a while, but he's older than me and I've never told him." And she's saying this with a smile on her face, kind of looking at me expectantly.
And in true idiot fashion, without missing a beat, I reply with "Yeah? Well that's great, good luck with school!" And I leave her in the parking lot.
It wasn't until months later that I realized what a dope I was.
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3. Never been kissed.
There was a party in my friend's house one night when his family went away for 2 weeks, there was this girl there that I hadn't seen before who was pretty good looking. Long story short I went upstairs to rest for a while because we were gonna be up all night and it was only about 9 or 10 o'clock. So this girl comes into the room, asks if she can join me, of course I said yes, I'd enjoy the company while I'm sobering up. So she completely ignores the other bed in the room and just hops right in to bed with me.
I couldn't see anything amiss here, scooched over to give her some room and we got to chatting for a while. It emerged (when another girl came in and started teasing me) that I had never even kissed a girl before, that girl left after a few minutes but the first one stayed and we kept talking, first about how annoying the other girl was and then she moved it back to me not having kissed anyone. The conversation which follows isn't word for word but you'll get the gist of it:
Her: "So have you really never kissed a girl?"
Me: (I was pretty comfortable with the fact, plenty of people knew so I didn't care) "Yeah, not really sure why but it's just one of those things that hasn't happened for me."
Her: "But you're not ugly or awkward or anything, you're pretty good looking."
Me: "Yeah but I'm thicker than a post. A girl could walk up to me and tell me she wants me right there and I won't realise she's actually serious. I've missed some pretty big hints in the past."
I'm literally lying in bed with a girl who is telling me I'm good looking, describing how I always miss those little signs that someone is interested in me. There's little signs and then there's "Hey I'm interested in you." How it didn't occur to me to try anything is beyond me. My friends were so mad the next day when they found out I didn't do anything.
I don't live my life with regret, but that was pretty dumb!
2. Under the mistletoe.
I was best friends with this girl in high school and we hung out pretty much every day. I had the biggest crush on her for about 3 years at this point. One night, I left my cell phone at her house (this was circa 2005 so it was before your cell phone was your most private and personal possession), and a little after I get home she calls my house phone and tells me to come back and get it. It was 11 or so on a school night, so I just told her to bring it to school the next day. she insists that I pick it up tonight so I cave and head over.
I get to her house and go to her room to grab my phone. She's sitting on her bed playing with it and she's all "is this what you're looking for?" and I'm all "Yes. Thank you." So I grab my phone and start to leave saying "thanks I'll see you tomorrow" when I hit my head on the dangly rip-chord thing hanging down from the ceiling fan in her room. I turn and begin to say "why is this so low..?" and her face is suddenly about 6 inches away from mine and she's looking up at me with these big brown eyes. She says "it's kind of like mistletoe isn't it?" Naturally, I say: "not really.. welp. I'll see you tomorrow" and leave.
I didn't realize it until about 4 days later at school, we were walking in the hall and she starts coughing and I say "oh man. I had that last week. You probably caught it from me, sorry." And she just says "I can't imagine how i'd have caught it from you, it's not like we ever kissed or anything." And walks into her class.
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1. What's the worst that can happen?
Ok, so this was my junior year in high school. She was a senior whom I had shared some classes with in previous years of school. We became good friends over the years. Nothing ever exceeded the "just friends" marker in my eyes.
One day we were texting and she asked if I wanted to go to Ihop with her (We had this big inside joke because she loved pancakes, but that's another story.) I thought it'd be fun! So I said yes, we went, and had a whale of a time. It wasn't awkward and conversation stayed constant throughout. Which is an accomplishment for me as I have social anxiety.
After the Ihop trip a couple weeks passed and we were still chatting on the regular. By now I was starting to develop the thoughts of "I think she may like me" and "Do I like her?" These thoughts were both exciting and confusing.
Another day we were texting again and she asked what I had done today. I tried to play some "dreamy card" and say that I just got back from the hill at the old high school where I had been playing guitar. She thought that sounded cool and said we should do that together (She didn't play, but was one of the girls that wanted to learn). I said Fo' Sho and that I do that all the time (I actually only had played on top of that hill once before. Cringey, I know, but hey, this girl was cool, I needed to impress her somehow. I didn't know how to do that the best...)
So fast forward to the day of. We meet at the old High School, I have my guitar, and she brought a video camera (Don't jump to crazy conclusions. We both had a broadcast journalism class at the time and she thought it would be "A good idea to get B-roll of the sunset." I kind of saw through that immediately but still played it off and agreed with her.
Oh yeah, I should mention now that this was at sunset.
So, we're up there for about an hour. Playing guitar, chatting, found a baby rabbit and chased it off, and then back to more playing and sitting. She would pull up songs on her phone that I should learn, they were all soft love songs. Every. Single. One. Then she would mention littler things like her hair, I'm guessing she was looking for compliments that would eventually lead to flirting? I don't know entirely.
But here we were. Two teenagers in high school, the boy with a guitar, and the girl with a voice, on a hill, making music, AT SUNSET. SUNSET! SUNSET! AND I DON'T MAKE A MOVE. We ended up killing the conversation and called it a night. Only to return to the regular texting and chatting that we were always at.
I will NEEEEEEVVVVVVER forgive myself for that moment. It was picture perfect. I could have had a picturesque, movie-like first kiss. But no, me and my over thinking screwed it all up.
Moral of the story: Make a move. Worst that happens is that it's awkward for a while.
