No one is really 100% sure what our dreams mean -- if they even mean anything at all. Personally, I think they're just all the leftover thoughts in our psyche giving expression to themselves before vanishing into the ether.

The random nature of our dreams shows itself even more clearly when we speak in our sleep!

The people below took to the internet to share their strangest funniest 'sleep talker' stories. Now get me that shovel so we can go to the ball!

Photo by Gregory Pappas on Unsplash

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71. Book worms, presumably

I come in to go to bed, lay down and am about to turn the bedside lamp off. Cue him turning over, eyes still shut, obviously still asleep. “Don’t turn the light off.” I’m confused now, “Why?” “They need to see.” Now I’m freaking right out wondering who is in our bedroom that I haven’t noticed. “Who needs to see?” “The bugs.” “Why do the bugs need to see?” “To read.” This happened months ago and I still haven’t let it go.

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70.  Stress dreams are the worst

She starting shaking me and yelling that the financial reports don't match. She's an accountant.

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69. Welcome to the show

Soft creepy laughter and then immediately propping up at a 90 degree angle saying, "IT'S ALLLL PART OF THE SHOW."

Then going back to sleep.

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68. Light the way home

My late girlfriend used to talk in her sleep a lot. The three I remember most were:

When she insisted she needed to call me. I was sitting at my desk about 5 feet away at the time. But she was adamant she needed to call me to the point where she'd lunge out of bed to try and grab her phone. In the end, I had to to splash water on her face to wake her up.

When, just as I was drifting off to sleep, she told me "I think I might be pregnant". My heart rate jumped to about 200 and I woke her up to clarify. She wasn't, had no reason to think she might be and no memory of saying anything.

My all-time favorite, and the one that really makes me miss her, was when we were in vacation in Tunisia. She told me to remind her the next day that we needed to stop at the grocery store so we could buy fireflies to light our way home.

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67. She sounds delicious

Roommate in college: "Nooo... Get her off me... Too much blubber... (long pause) ...Smells like an enchilada..."

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66. Making dad jokes in his sleep

I woke up restless and hot, turned on the AC. Husband appeared to wake up too. He sat up and said “I’m your fan”, and waved his hands like a fan, and then laughed at his own joke and went back to sleep. Did not remember it in the morning.

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65. Sleeper agent

I crawled into bed when she was asleep, she reached over and grabbed my arm. She snuggled my arm a bit and I thought it was sweet...

Until, with a thick Russian accent, she says "I BREAK YOU" and acted like she was snapping my arm.

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64. Where's the money?!

"The money is hidden off the road by the Indian Reservation." I tried to get her to talk more but she mumbled something I couldn't understand and went back to sleep.

She doesn't remember her dreams after she wakes up so it's this mystery of whether or not she hid money in the desert.

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63. Pillow fight

My fiancee is super active while sleeping. It used to bother me but now I'm used to it. One time I asked her to give me her pillow while she was sleeping and she said, "okay", and then pulled it out from under her head and threw it at me. She slept the rest of the night without a pillow and was quite mad when she woke without a pillow and after I told her what she did.

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62. Veteran of the colander war

We both talk in our sleep but I think this one was so far the weirdest.

One night he started giggling and I asked him why he's doing it. Then he just replied with, "I want to tap your teeth and make them go 'hello'!"

Still no idea what that meant.

Just remembered another one that was very weird.

One time in his sleep he started making very weird, distressed noises. I asked if he was having a nightmare and he told me he's in a war with colanders, trying to rip them apart with his bare hands.

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61. Sleeping dogs lie

Sleeping Wife: Why is the dog barking?

Me: We don't have a dog.

Wife: Yes we do, and he's in the kitchen barking.

Me: Okay...

Wife: Go see why he's barking.

Me: (After a little more argument about whether or not we have a dog) walks to kitchen and back to bedroom

Wife: Where did you go?

Me: I went to the kitchen to check on the dog.

Wife: But we don't have a dog...

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60. The giggler

It’s not something he said, he sort of mumbles when he talks, but it’s the sounds he makes. Sometimes he giggles like a little girl; which is terrifying.

The worst was when he sat straight up and gasped super loud while staring at the wall. I asked what was wrong, but he was sound asleep. Meanwhile, I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was so scared.

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59. A little fishy

I honestly started keeping track of the weirder things/conversations we've had (that she remembers nothing of)

Nov 25 - she "wakes" up.

So- Fish sticks? (Clear and loud)

Me-Fish sticks? What do you mean?

So- Are you making fish sticks?

Me- Yes I'm making fish sticks

So- ok. goes back to "sleep"

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58. Burn the spreadsheets

My girlfriend would be stressed about work, talking about speed sheets and emails. I would answer her and say the most outrageous things.

"The spreadsheets got ice cream on them and need to be set on fire."

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57. Nobody puts baby in a corner

My girlfriend will sometimes bolt upright and stare into the corner, when I ask her what’s up she’ll say “there’s someone in the corner”. I kinda laugh and be like what are you on about and then she’ll start laughing along too. Then she’ll wake up and be like “why did you wake me up? What do you want it’s late!”

I guess it sounds pretty creepy but honestly I find it hilarious.

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56. Muahahahaha

Initially he just mumbled something I couldn't understand. I turned around to face him and asked him what he had said. He responded in his sleep "don't worry about it" and then laughed in this villainous way that I've never heard him use while awake. It honestly creeped me out.

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55. The convincing ones are scary

I've told this on here before, but my husband is OUT OF CONTROL with his sleep talking. You almost can't call it sleep talking, because you would swear this dude knows EXACTLY what he's doing. It isn't just talking. He gets up out of bed, will literally be walking around the house doing things like he's totally aware. Could hold a full conversation with you. It takes a minute to realize whether he's awake or not, he's so sure of himself.

So probably the scariest thing was one night we're knocked out, it has to be like 3 am, and his big butt BOLTS out of bed like I've never seen in my life, waking me up and frantically yelling, "WE HAVE TO GO NOW! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! FOLLOW ME! HURRY UP!"

I literally go into full panic mode and started trying to grab things and get my dogs, all while trying to ask him WTF is going on, but he's SO serious about this that I just trust that there must be something bad happening. Within a minute or so I noticed that as frantic as he was walking around, he wasn't really DOING anything, just kind of going in circles.

At that point it clicked that he wasn't really awake (I had been woken up from a dead sleep too obviously) so I started saying his name over and over and telling him it was okay, and he kind of just snapped out of it and was like oh, sorry bout that...

Definitely was freaked out for a minute there though.

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54. Mean bosses

My husband sleep talks and my favorite was when he told me to close a ticket (he was an IT Manager) and I told him I didn't work for him. Then he yelled at me to get it done. I said "you're a mean boss" and went back to sleep. I've got soooooo many and should write them down but I'm so used to it by now.

And I'm not the sleeptalker but I once woke myself and him up by yelling "the power of Christ compels you". I had been having a very vivid nightmare about seeing a black entity floating in our bedroom by the bathroom door. In my dream, I woke my husband up and we turned the lights on chasing it down the hallway because we didn't want whatever it was to hurt our daughter. As we were chasing it away, I was yelling "the power of Christ compels you" and I woke up screaming it. Thing is that I'm not particularly religious and that's not really something I would say at all. It was so bizarre. I've only had a dream that realistic a couple times in my life.

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53. Imaginary side women

It was me. Wife was getting ready for work in the morning. I was asleep. She kissed me goodbye. I then said, out loud, "Boy, I sure hope that was my wife."

Like there are random women sneaking into my bedroom to give me kisses.

She did not think I had side women. She thought it was hilarious. I do sleep talk sometimes, mostly gibberish, like word salad type stuff.

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52. Midnight decapitation

My roommate sleep talks almost every night and I once walked in on him sobbing. Full on bawling.

I asked if he was good and he said in the calmest voice “yeah sure I just wanted to see it to the end”.... he doesn’t remember it one bit.

The runner-up was when he burst into laughter and then said “why did none you try to chop my head off just then?”

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51. Zzzzzzz

A compilation: (All of these start with her shaking me awake) Her: "Shhhh. They're on the roof" Me: "Who?" Her: zzzzzzzz

Her: "Where is he going to sleep?" Me: "Who?" Her: "The man who's here." points Me: "What??" Her: zzzzzzzz

Her: "I see it over there by the stairs" Me : silently crapping myself Her: zzzzzzzz

Her:"Do you see her?" Me:"sigh Who?" Her: "The lady in the corner." Me: "There's nobody there." Her: "Her eyes." Me: "There's nobody there." Her: "I hope she goes away." zzzzzzzz Me: doesn't sleep

She never remembers saying this stuff.

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50. Unconscious pranking

My girlfriend (now wife) and I were sleeping in my bed in college. Due to not being able to control the temperature in my room (which was kept at a tropical 105 degrees despite it being a brutal winter), we always slept with the window open and my bedroom door cracked for circulation. I also lived on the ground floor apartment of a brownstone in Boston. In the dead middle of the night, she starts smacking me.

GF - "BABE, BABE!"

I startle awake, "what?"

GF - (whispers) "There's someone standing in the doorway..." *muffled whimpers*

Adrenaline starts pumping, I prepare to fight the intruder. I quickly scan the room for something to make an impromptu weapon out of. Finally my eyes adjust to the dark , I'm fully awake and I see that no one is actually there.

Me - "No there isn't, you're sleeping!"

GF - *muffled laughing*

She had zero recollection of the entire incident the next morning. I had to recount to her how she almost made me crap my pants in the middle of the night.

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49. Counting sheep

Ex: why did you bring me sheep?

Me: Because you asked me to.

Ex: Oh...

Me: Do you like them?

Ex: Yes... They are nice.

Then she went back to sleep.

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48. I have to do everything around here...

My GF fell out with me while she was sleeping one night. She asked me to pass the "light up picture frame" and when I asked her what she was talking about she shouted "Fine! I'll get it myself" and actually started walking about the room looking for something.

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47. All about that life insurance

My boyfriend has PTSD from his time in the Marines and what they did overseas. The other night, I had my arm around his waist and he patted my hand and said "you're never going to make it out of here. You're just another casualty about to happen. You're going to die and luckily we're married because you have life insurance."

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46. Not so funny now

My ex wife once said, "We'll see how [bleeping] funny you think it is when you're dead" in the middle of the night. Not mumbled. Fully articulated in a calm voice. Scared the crap out of me.

Current wife once indignantly shouted "I can't poop here! Everyone is watching!" And I do mean shouted. I cannot imagine how I would have reacted had I been asleep. As it was, I was playing with my iPad in bed while she slept and I about jumped out of my skin.

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45. The soup thing

One of my friend's little brothers came into the room where we were sleeping when he was sleepwalking. He kicked open the door and said, "[Friend's name]! Did you tell mom about the soup thing?"

To which my friend replied, "What soup thing?"

"You know, the thing with the [strangled screaming noise] and the [bird noise]!" Then he stood there for a minute before leaving.

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44. I can hold it

Woke up to go to the bathroom one night. As I move to get up my boyfriend goes, "don't go out there..." Thinking he's awake and joking with me I go "oh yeah, why?" He sits upright eyes wide open and goes "SHE'S out there." and flopped back down asleep.

I held it for the rest of the night.

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43. Sandra Bullock over here

Wife: Oh no.

Me: What's wrong?

Wife: I forgot.

Me: Forgot what?

Wife: Gravity.

Me: You forgot gravity?

Wife: Yeah.

Me: It's okay, you can't forget gravity

Wife: I can't?

Me: No, it's okay.

Wife: Good.

Out like a light.

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42. I am the spring berry

My freshmen year of school I lived with two guys in a dorm room that talked in their sleep. They wouldn’t just talk though, they’d have separate conversations with each other.

One night I woke up and one was chanting, “I am the spring berry, I am the spring berry.” The other just responded, “Yeah, but Chick-Fil-A said no in 2011.”

They have no memory of this.

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41. That's soooo weird

I overheard my wife accurately recite my social security number aloud whilst sleeping. When I told her about it the next morning she said I had to have been making that up, as she definitely does not know my social security number. I didn't believe her and made her swear to me and on our marriage that she wasn't lying, and she said that if someone was pointing a gun to my head and that he would pull the trigger unless she accurately recited my social security number, she'd tell me she loved me and that she'd remember me fondly once I died. It was the oddest thing.

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40. Mices are nices

Husband: “It’s all over the floor.”

Me (mostly asleep and very confused): “What is?”

Husband: “Candy! But it’s okay, they’ll get it.”

Me: “Who will get it?”

Husband (quite happily): “The mices!”

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39. Horror movie kid

My ex's kid had a bed in the same room with us (he was 4) and one night I happened to just wake up and look over at him and he rose form his bed and stared out at the wall and whispered "who are you?" and at this point I was in full nope mode, and then he whispered "don't tell them" and then flopped back in his bed.

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38. Summer camp sleep talkers

So one night at summer camp, we were staying up late hanging out, but a couple guys went to bed early. So around 1am one of them starts screaming at us about taking his blanket, and how he was gonna kick the crap out of all of us if we didn’t give it back. He didn’t have a blanket, it was the middle of the summer. So we grabbed a towel and threw it over him, and he mumbles “that’s what I thought” and goes quiet.

Later on, same guy, just absolutely snaps upright, “I gotta pee” and climbs down off the top bunk, eyes still shut. We were staying quiet because we realized he was still asleep, nobody wanted to be the one to wake him up. So he goes in the bathroom, and he takes a pee, flushes, and then WHAM.

He apparently went into one of the stalls, and the door shut behind him. So when he turned around to leave, still asleep walked straight into the stall door. He didn’t wake up. Just strolled back into the room, climbed into bed, and pulled the towel over his legs, and bent at the waist and layer down like unfolding a hinge.

We didn’t think we were ever gonna stop laughing that night.

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37. The lazy sleeper

My ex used to talk in his sleep and kind of sleepwalk too. It was pretty funny.

My favorite was when I woke up to him holding my coat to the door, dropping it, and putting it back to the door. Not like, trying to hang it on the door, just like.... holding it to the door and dropping it repeatedly.

I asked him, uhhhhhhh what are you doing? He gave me a funny look and crept into the bathroom slowly, peeked around, looked at me (in bed) and asked, "are you in there?"

"In... where?"

"The bathroom."

"No, I'm in bed..."

"Oh. Okay." And he came back to bed.

My second favorite was when he shook me awake and told me, "I'm definitely not gonna do it." "Do WHAT?" "Yeah, I'm just feeling waaaayy too lazy and unmotivated right now." No wonder, dude, you're asleep...

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36. Yeah, that house was haunted

Same house, same bedroom, different women, 5 years apart.

1st woman - we are asleep in bed and she takes this huge, deep breath that wakes me up. Then, she says, “They are here now and want to speak to you. I’m going to let them use me...”

So, of course, I wake her up violently like WTF?!?

All she can tell me is that she saw several shadowy people in her dream who told her that they had a message for me but needed her to talk to me.

Okay...

2nd woman - we are asleep together and the same thing happens. Deep, long breath that wakes me up except this time, she screams “THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM WITH US!!!”

I get her calmed down by assuring her that we were alone.

She never sleeps over again.

I sell the house.

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35. Up the spout

“Steven.”

What?

“He’s coming out of the faucet.”

What?!

“STEVEN’S COMING OUT OF THE FAUCET!”

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34. Put it in

My girlfriend at the time had stayed over for the night the first time. Still fairly early in the relationship so we hadn't done anything intimate at the point. That'll be relevant here in a second. She caught me sleep talking.

Me: "Put it in there."

Her: "Put what in where!?"

Me: "Put the sandwich in the bag!"

I'd been working as a trainer at a fast food place and was dreaming about someone not understanding what I thought were basic instructions.

The weirdest thing is hearing yourself sleep talking. My eyes were shut, and I was seeing only what was in my dream, but I clearly remember hearing myself speak the last sentence. I imagine that's similar to how lucid dreaming feels.

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33. Never rock the boat

A.R - "Don't rock the boat."

Me - "What boat, why?"

A.R - "Just. Don't. Rock. The. Boat."

So what do I do? I rock her a little.

A.R - "Oh God, no!"

Me - "What's wrong?"

A.R - "There's spiders everywhere! I told you not to rock the boat."

Then she screamed, jerked around, I got kicked in the chest, and she woke up to me being winded without being able to speak.

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32. All the ladies love my coupons

I have two great ones:

I had stayed up late and husband was asleep in bed. We had creaky wood floors, so I was walking slowly into the bedroom trying not to make too much noise. I stepped on a creaky spot, and husband shifted in bed and then said, in a very cheeky/smiling tone: "I have a machine... that will shoot you.. if you move around. It'll shoot you right now!" Then he was back to be being dead asleep.

Another time, I was reading in bed, husband turned to snuggle into me and then this conversation: Him: (in a cutesy, flirty tone) "Coupons." Me: "Coupons?" Him: "Yeah, coupons."

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31. Chaos is a ladder

He said my name drawn out long and with mild contempt. Then he yells “THE LADDERRRRRRR!”

I’ll get the ladder for you, babe. No worries.

This one happened just last night:

He’s moving around slightly more than normal, so I wake up and ask if he’s okay. He says “you need me to do two things?” I giggle as he gargles this in his sleep.

“What two things?” I’m still giggling.

“You asked me to do two things. You tell me.”

“Uh, fix our vacuum?” (He broke the vacuum a little while ago.)

“Oh. I don’t want to do that. Pick something else.”

“Go to sleep, love. That’s the second thing.”

“Ohkaaaaay. Love yooooou.” And out like a light.

He is really sweet, I tell ya.

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30. I like the way you move

My partner used to regularly talk in her sleep.

The creepiest thing she said:

It's late at night, after midnight, but I'm not entirely sure how late. I've not fallen asleep, but I turn over to try get comfy and see her looking straight at me and she says, "Did you see it move?"

I promptly panicked and had to turn the light on, to which I get a mumbled groan of displeasure from my darling girlfriend who has slept through this entire thing.

The funniest thing she said:

Hard to decide between: "Why does he get XP for it, it's only a [bleeping] rock?" and "Why is there a dead Pterodactyl in the living room?!"

I never did find out the answers to either of those questions.

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29. Meta sleep talker

I was rearranging my pillow nest in the middle of the night and he must have felt threatened. "WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, NO, WOAH, PUT THOSE DOWN. WOAH, WOAH, PLEASE, NO."

One other delightful experience:

Him: barks loudly like an aggressive ferocious dog

Me: wake up completely due to mini heart attack and scream

Him: whines softly like a chastised dog

he sits up suddenly in bed laughing like a maniac

Me: It’s okay, go back to sleep.

Him: NO YOU GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Me: Just lie down.

Him: goes from a 90 degree angle to a 45 degree angle and his sleeping self PRETENDS TO BE ASLEEP and in doing so achieves true meta status.

Me: I know you’re not lying down properly.

Him: YES I AM.

Me: Okay, whatever.

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28. Unconscious shopper

I’m the sleep talker/walker. One night my husband woke me up because my sister was calling him in the middle of the night. I was very worried and asked her what was wrong. She was practically in tears and managed to squeak out “thank god you’re ok! I was so scared!”

I guess in my sleep I had called her mumbled then set my phone down next to my speaker which was playing the audio book that had fallen asleep to. What she heard was me whispering then a strange man talking. She thought I had been kidnapped. She texted and called me and when I didn’t answer she called my husband to see if I was ok. He was confused and tried to assure her I was sleeping peacefully in bed.

I’ve also ordered bras and three gallons of almond milk off Amazon. I’m not allowed to have my phone near my bed anymore.

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27. We are all Batman

One night I woke up in the middle of the night (from a bad dream where Gollum was chasing me) to the dude, my roommate, straight writhing in his bed, throwing punches and kicks, grunting, just really struggling against some unknown power. I kinda watch for a minute, making sure he’s ok and not having a seizure, but this was pretty normal for him.

After a minute of being slightly entertained by this, I lay back down, just in time for him to take a BIG breath, hold it, paused with his fists in the air, and then let it out and lay straight back down, stiff as a board, no movement or breathing.

He holds that for like a good 10 seconds and I’m pretty sure he’s not breathing. I’m starting to worry a bit, and finally he goes,

“I’m Batman.”

And then resumes fighting whatever it was he was fighting.

I laughed for a solid 30 minutes and it took me hours to get back to sleep.

26. Your leaf game is weak

My wife swears up and down, that while she was reading before bed, I said: "I see you didn't bring the bag of leaves, so I know you're not serious."

 

25. The only problem I have with ghosts is that they don't pay rent

I used to have dreams that there was a lady with red hair who would stand in the corner of my bedroom and watch me. Never told anyone about it. Then one day my friend brought his "psychic" girlfriend over, and she looked towards that corner and said, "Did you know a woman with bright red hair lives in here with you?"

Yes, it's true. I understand the possibility that I could've told someone about it and forgot. But I don't think so. It freaked me out when the girlfriend said that. I laughed nervously and asked her if anyone else was there. She said no. I proceeded to try not to think about it.

I tried talking to her. In my dreams, she never said anything back. While awake, I looked at the corner and told her I appreciated her watching over me, but I was good and it would be fine if she wanted to hang out somewhere else. She still never said anything back. I've moved since, but for all I know she is still there.

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24. You can't take the sky from me

My wife once told me that I said; "How come you get the cool spaceships and I get the Jetsons?" Then she made the Jetsons flying car sound and went back to sleep.

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23. So you reverse robbed him?

I pulled a pellet gun on my dad while sleepwalking to pay him back a nickel that I apparently owed him.

Absolutely insisted that he take the money too.

Looking back on it, I can somewhat figure out how it all transpired. I was big into DOOM at the time, played it for hours on end.

I also got a new handgun-style pellet gun, which I kept in my room.

I have no idea why I owed my dad a nickel though...

Fortunately, he took the whole thing in stride, basically disarmed me, took the nickel, turned me around and sent me back to bed.

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22. Dude just wanted a burger

My ex used to sometimes talk in her sleep and one night I was up really late and was high just watching TV and I heard her say, very clearly to me, "Let's get McDonald's."

I thought to myself that it was a great idea, so I got up and started getting dressed. After I was done I went back to wake her and she was out. I shook her a couple of times and said, "Let's go, I'm ready." She finally woke up and said, "What? No, it's late. Go to bed."

I was so disappointed because I totally thought she wanted to go and I was too high to drive, so I had to get undressed again and go back to bed. Looking back, I totally should have known that was just her talking in her sleep, but I was so hungry I did not want to accept that as the reality and chose to believe I was gonna get some McDonald's.

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21. Kids are crazy, man

One time when I was around 6, I came downstairs from my room, sleepwalking, walk past my parents and go into the pantry. My dad walks up to me to see me going through the pantry.

Dad "what are you doing?"

Me "looking"

D "what are you looking for?"

M "the box"

D "..... why don't you go back to bed"

M "okay"

I then apparently walked past my brother who, thinking I was messing with my parents, goes to give me a high-five. I then limbo under his hand and go back to bed. I have no recollection of this at all.

On another occasion, I walked into this same brother's room and proclaim how I need to pee then walk to the bathroom and then back to bed.

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20. Hey at least she's pretty

About 10 years ago, I had just started dating this girl I'd had a massive crush on. We were fresh out of high school, and her parents went out of town for a weekend. I was going to finally sleep in her bed with her, and I was amped.

I have a bit of trouble sleeping in a new place, so I was awake after she'd already knocked out. I tried to keep my eyes closed and let sleep come. I started to drift off, but I heard a sound like scratching on wood, quick and getting faster. I opened my eyes and oriented myself again. It wasn't scratching. It was whispering. And it was getting louder.

My girlfriend was rapidly whispering, "She is the devil in disguise she is the devil in disguise…" I turned my head to look at her, and her eyes were wide open, looking directly at me, but glossed over, like she was looking through me. The whispering continued until she stopped mid-sentence: "She is the devil in disguise she is the dev— He can't help you."

She closed her eyes and went rolled over, leaving me with a very odd feeling. I asked her about it in the morning, and she said she used to talk in her sleep a lot as a kid.

I still have no idea if she was messing with me or if she just had odd sleep habits.

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19. Poor kid just wanted some cuddles

So little me had a nightmare and went to my parent's room to tell my mom and get a cuddle so I could go back to sleep. I knocked on the door and opens it very quietly so only my mom wakes and not my dad, since mom is a very light sleeper and dad a heavy one. I get in and at that moment dad jumps out of bed and shouts "I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU HERE AGAIN!" I fled up the stairs and cried and mom followed me and told me she didn't know what happened either. Dad says he doesn't remember it but I sure do.

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18. He was probably a replicant and was performing his nightly firmware update

My ex used to talk in his sleep all the time. I would write down what he said or start talking to him to have whole conversations with him in his sleep. In the morning, I would put them as statuses on Facebook because I thought it was hilarious. The one that scared me though was when I was in the other room with my headphones on, around 2 am. I was playing a game with people and, out of nowhere, I heard my ex loudly, robotically go, "HA. HA HA. HA. HA. HA. HA."

It was like someone broke his laugh. I walked in there to see what was happening but he was asleep again and silent.

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17. It's ok, the monsters can't hurt you now

I share a room with my brother who has struggled with night terrors since he was a little kid. One night I woke up to him screaming like he was being flayed alive, you know the high pitched, voice cracking screaming, and between screams he was saying "ITS TOUCHING ME! SOMETHING IS TOUCHING ME!" along with a bunch of other garbled speech. It took about a minute for him to wake up.

After that, I was awake all night long. Honestly, hearing him scream with that much terror was scarier than what he was saying. When I first woke up, I thought there was an intruder in our room. We're lucky the police weren't called.

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16. Tell me again of Lord Quetzldiolophysus

My husband talks in his sleep, but not like a sentence here or there. He does monologues. He has conversations. Lengthy conversations. Sometimes in weird accents. Often as different personas. Occasionally in fake foreign languages. I often record them once he gets going.

The weirdest ever was as follows:

My brother and I were fooling around with our tv in the family room and turned on a music channel that had spa-type chill zen music, but then got distracted and left the room. Husband, finding the music calming and peaceful, laid down on the sofa and promptly falls asleep. Brother and I return to the room, husband starts talking over the zen music, and I start recording. The following is an exact transcript of the recording:

as the crow flies and the eagle swoops,
in the clouds they saw him coming,
a blood red, descending upon the people.

and the high priests took the virgin into the temple
and said “we must protect you, for he is angered”.

and the farmers walked out into their fields
with their tools and they said
“lord quetzldiolophysus, why have you felt smitten by us?”

they would not get a reply that day.

into the temple they ran
they ran faster
as the rains began to fall.

puddles formed beneath the feet.

they remembered the tales of their ancestors
they remembered the blessings that had been bestowed
and they wondered whether the blessings would stay for me and my progeny.

but quetzldiolophysus would have none of it,
for he decided to wipe them off the face of the earth once and for all.

the next day the sun rose upon the barren landscape
and a single virgin emerged from the temple.

all her people were decimated.
all the lambs and oxen lay barren and wasted.
ashed smoldered in fire.

and yet the birds sang,
the crow swooped,
and the eagle looked on.

she stayed there in that temple until she died of dehydration and hunger.
emaciated, she curled up and
in her dying breath she heard the sweet whisper
of quetzldiolophysus tell her that
he will return again.

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15. The devil made me do it

I get sleep paralysis and I experience this weird demonic possession stuff with basically the demons taking over my body. It turns out the whole time I thought this was exclusively in my head my wife informed me that I growl and stare at her when that's happening, so that was a nice bonding moment for both of us.

Ok, so the creepiest thing that has happened as a result of all this occurred only a couple months ago when we were sleeping and I started to experience sleep paralysis and the usual "the devil is going to take your body" shenanigans. Only this time, I am positioned to be looking at a mirror from the bed. I see a figure in the mirror standing over the bed and for some unknown reason I say "You know everything is ok when you smile and the man in the mirror smiles back". I recall doing my best to force myself to smile, at which point the sound of shattering glass wakes me up.

Turns out a glass covering for a light fell off and shattered on the floor at coincidentally the exact same time I decided to make that creepy declaration. What a fun and silly coincidence that kept us both from sleeping the rest of the night and turning all the lights on in the house and finding a Bible to read together. I should probably start sleeping with a humidifier in the room filled with holy water or something.

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14. So what did she say

My girlfriend is a super deep sleeper, which means she does some weird stuff when she’s passed out. Thankfully she usually doesn’t talk a ton, but since her nightmares don’t wake her up like they do most people, sleep screaming apparently happens (yeah, not fun). However, that doesn’t work even begin to touch the creepiest thing she did in her sleep.

To set the scene, it’s about 2 in the morning, and my girlfriend and I had spent a busy afternoon doing house chores, so she was extra passed out. All of a sudden she starts doing this twitching and grumbling that means she’s having a nightmare, so I started trying to wake her up. As I’m starting to lean over her eyes shoot open and suddenly she’s sitting bolt upright. My girlfriend leans over, and says in a low whisper:

“This morning I need you to ask me if we did the laundry.”

I get about halfway through explaining that we already did the housework when she raises a finger to her lips and hushes me sharply. She leaned in closer and broke into a whisper underscored by an unsettling sense of urgency:

“No, listen, you have to be quiet. I need you to ask me if we did the dishes when we wake up.”

Confused, but now sufficiently freaked out, I nod to indicate agreement. She meets my eyes, looking somewhere between angry and scared before she replies,

“When you ask, if I say we need to, it’s not me anymore. Run.”

And with that, she collapsed back onto her pillow and was out again in literally maybe two seconds. I, on the other hand, didn’t sleep that night.

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13. The demons are real but they can't hurt you if you don't let them

My formidable husband woke up (or so I thought....) wide-eyed some years after our wedding and looked at me and behind me and began screaming like a child and trying to cover his mouth while hyperventilating in the middle of the night. His face was twisted into pure terror and I was sure there was an intruder behind me.

As I jumped up and switched sides to get behind him, he just kept looking at me like there was a demon or slender man behind me. I screamed "Jesus, Jeff, OMG what IS IT?" And he goes "Please don't talk...please don't talk" in this quiet little-boy voice. I reached out to him out of fear and he recoiled saying "Don't get any closer, please don't get any closer".

I said, "I'M YOUR WIFE DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WHAT IS IT?!?!" And then he literally started crying, I mean no tears, but all the crying noises, and he said "You're not my wife. My wife wouldn't have teeth like that and her head wouldn't be backward".

Freakiest. Night. Of. Life.

He later woke up with no memory of the event, while I locked myself in the bathroom and called my mom.

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12. Mom, I don't wanna share a room with Timmy anymore

I shared a room with my brother growing up. He had issues with sleep talking as well as sleepwalking, this was a regular thing for a few years that he has since grown out of.

There was one time where he made it all the way outside to the middle of the street while yelling for my sister (who was sleeping in the next room over).

But the scary things were fairly regular. Ya see he wouldn't just sleepwalk. Sometimes he would just sit up in his bed and stare at you, eyes wide open, while still completely asleep. Sometimes the stares would be accompanied by loud yelling of gibberish. Sometimes he would scream bloody murder to the point that my mom would come rushing into the room to see if he was okay.

I'll never forget the night I woke up with the feeling that someone was watching me. Low and behold I look over and there's my brother, just staring at me. Not speaking, just watching. I try to talk to him and get no response. Then he yells some gibberish at me and lays down in one motion. It was honestly like sharing the room with a possessed person.

roughmaps

11. How precious

My father likes to doze off on the couch pretty often, and sleep talks quite a lot, but is a very affectionate sleeptalker, as opposed to when he's awake.

Dad: You gotta go get it.

Me: get what?

Dad: I'll get it.

Me: (Amused) Alright, let me know when you have it.

Dad: Thanks for worrying about me.

Me: Do you have it yet?

Dad: I do. Love you.

Me: Love you too?

Dad: I'm so proud of you. Love you so much. Bye.

Me: Love you too, bye.

I think he thought he was having a phone call or something. He does the same thing for my mother, murmuring that she's beautiful and complimenting her hair.

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10. This is how you end up on a list

I regularly talk in my sleep, I'm 58. One night my wife decided to set up a voice-activated recording to capture my ramblings. In the morning we played the recording back. The only recording was a voice that can only be described as a frightened small boy saying "please don't let me die, please don't let me die". It creeped us both out.

Another time we were both really tired and went to bed very early, at about 9 pm. At that time we lived in a small terraced house with a tiny garden (back yard) overlooked on all sides by other houses and a children's play area (the reason for this detail will become apparent). About half an hour later 9.30 pm it was dark and I leapt out of bed, stark bollock naked and switched the overhead light on, I then went to the window and pulled the curtains back repeatedly opening and closing them. My wife shouted, "what are you doing?" I apparently said "I've got to signal to this helicopter so it can land in the garden." I'm not sure how many small children I traumatized that night and I'm pretty sure no helicopter even if it existed could not have landed in a yard 15 feet square!

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9. Way to go, mom

When we were young my mom walked into our bedroom to shut the window and apparently my brother sat bolt upright in bed and stared at her.

Mom: Uh, hey Dave, I was just shut--

Dave (In a much deeper voice than usual) : GET OUT!

Mom: Sorry, I was...

Dave: GET OUT!

Then he started making noises that she described as "Latin" and it was that point that she quickly left the room and didn't come back that night.

Of course, she left me sleeping in the bunk bed beneath him.

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8. I wish I could do this to annoying customers

My husband hasn't said anything creepy, but we both have said some very weird things.

He told me that one night I handed him a stuffed animal (one of those banana cats) and said, "You can keep the boy. May he serve you well." In my defense, I binged watched Game of Thrones that day.

He has said some dumb things. A lot of them were when he worked with fast food. "Yes, sir, your collar is, indeed, popped" is my personal favorite. And:

SO: What can I get you to drink?

Me: Dr. Pepper.

SO: Diet Coke it is!

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7. This is where the "kids can see ghosts" stories come from

My young son was asleep on the couch late one night and sat straight up and said "Shhh...they'll hear us". I asked him what he was talking about and he gestured to the large picture window next to the couch and said "Them. They're right outside" then laid back down and continued sleeping. Completely freaked me out. Can't say I slept much that night even with the door locks triple checked.

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6. Sounds like a bad time

One night when I was like 6, I ended up walking to the bathroom asleep. I guess I brushed my teeth and attempted to go to the bathroom, but given I was a tiny kid and the toilet seat was up I just sat INTO the toilet.

Imagine being a kid waking up chilling in a toilet, in the pitch black, with toothpaste in your mouth, and not a single clue as to where you are.

0/10 would not recommend.

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5. This is honestly the least interesting part of the story

In my early 20s I lived with my high school sweetheart and another roommate.

One night the other roommate busted in our room while we were sleeping and shouted “Welp! Looks like I’m going to jail!” Slammed our bedroom door and stormed out. My sweetheart raised her head off my chest, looked me straight in the eyes and said “I’m a rhinoceros.” And went right back to sleep like nothing ever happened.

WIkicommons A mother rhino and her child.

4. Wife uses Future Sight! It's Super Effective!

“Don’t go to work tomorrow!” My wife shouted at like 1:30 in the morning. I didn’t think anything of it until we woke up in the morning. I asked her if she remembered saying something and she didn’t.

I decided not to go to work because I thought something was wrong with her and wanted to take care of her. My friend from work called me later and told me that this lady ran in and started shouting about how I messed up some order for him, and the boss was going to fire me but I wasn’t there. (Our boss is very old who doesn’t know how to work technology, so he didn’t call or anything.) I ended up just quitting because I didn’t want me getting fired to be on my resume. It still freaks me out how she knew about the future sub-consciously.

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3. Dude didn't even get his macaroni

My parents told me one time while they were watching a little bit of TV in their bedroom, I walked in and screamed something along the lines of

"Are you having a good sleep cause I ain't and I'm hungry. I want some macaroni."

And when they saw I was sleepwalking, they just told me to go back to bed and I supposedly got mad to the point where I just threw a water bottle of their nightstand at my dad and booked it. I have no memory of it what so ever but they have caught me on camera sleepwalking at one point because they heard me walk around the house for 10 minutes before going to their room to yell about more random nonsense.

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2. He's not wrong

I've found that my boyfriend gets annoyed when I interfere with his sleep talk.

This one time I heard, "We will miss you, Diana."

"Who's Diana?" I asked in confused, half-awake mode.

"THE PRINCESS OF WALES!" he snarled, as if I was being extremely disrespectful to the deceased.

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1. Gotta fertilize these trees

I thought she was awake but we were laying in bed last week and this is how it went.

GF: I’m gonna crap myself.

Me: What? No go to the bathroom.

GF: Ugh! I’m gonna crap the bed!

Me: Why don’t you go to the bathroom if you’ve gotta poop?

GF: What? That doesn’t make any sense at all, I’m trying to make these trees grow, just shut up!

This is when I realized she was sleeping and started laughing hysterically. Which made her angry.

She didn’t remember any of it the next morning.