People From Around The World Share The Worst Defense They've Seen In Court

People From Around The World Share The Worst Defense They've Seen In Court

There are few things more satisfying than seeing a bad person get their just desserts. Of course, that's what the justice system if for, but sometimes it doesn't have to work very hard. It's clear from the stories below that these criminals were so sure they were going to get away with their misdeeds, they decided to defend themselves. They probably should have listened to their lawyers, instead. We asked people from around the world to share the worst defense they've seen go down in court.

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40. Go ahead, incriminate yourself.

We had a guy in court when I worked in Child Protective Services who hit his kid with a belt. In court, he asked the judge if he could take off his belt and demonstrate how hard he hit his kid by using his jacket on the back of a chair. The judge was like "Whatevs, go for it". I was expecting him to fake it gently but the guy WAILED on the chair until the bailiff told him "that's enough..." The entire courtroom was like, "Dude..."
And that's how I got quite possibly the easiest child removal to date.

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39. A slam dunk.

I took a guy to small claims court. His defense was "I didn't have the product, so I couldn't ship it to him, obviously." The judge was like "but you took his money?" The guy: "Yea, so I could buy the product and ship it to him." Judge: "Did you do that?" Guy: "Not yet." Judge: "do you have his money?" Guy: "No, I had had an emergency and had to spend it." That was that, I won.

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38. One of the smart ones.

I saw this go down while waiting for my traffic ticket.

Judge: So, you were seen pulling a stop sign out of the ground and throwing it in the river.
Accused: Yes, sir.
J: Were you drinking?
A: No, sir.
J: The ticket says you were intoxicated.
A: No, sir.
J: OK, let's say I believe you. I will thow out this drinking disorderly charge.
A: Thank you, sir.
J: But, I will have to charge you with the destruction of government property and endangering the public. That comes with at least a year in jail. So I'll ask one more time. Were you drinking?
A: Yes, sir.

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37. It was his imaginary friend.

I defended a guy on a DUI that jumped into the backseat after he got pulled over, and claimed someone else was driving. He was the only one in the car.

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36. Silence is the best policy.

I was in traffic court and the first guy to go before the judge got pulled over doing some crazy speed, like 140mph.

The judge essentially told the guy to say he wouldn't ever do it again and that it was a mistake, and in return, the judge would drop the ticket fee and the points on his record.

The guy countered with, "well, I drive that fast all the time, so I'm really good at it, and I don't think it was dangerous at all because of how good of a driver I am."

Guy could've walked out totally free, but instead got a $2500 fine and 2 points on his record.


35. It's an expensive habit.

A friend of mine once got a ticket for leaving her car standing in the marked off no parking zone in front of a grocery store, which she thought was outrageous because she was just running in to get a pack of smokes. Then she saw how much the ticket was for, something like $120, which she thought was just ridiculous because she was just running in for a pack of smokes. I mean, come on, how is that worth $120?
So her plan was to go to court and contest the ticket and point out to the judge how ridiculous that was and offer to compromise at like maybe $40 because for Pete's sake, she was just running in for a pack of smokes and let's be reasonable here and yes, her plan was to haggle with the judge over how much the ticket should be worth.So she goes to court and sits there most of the day waiting for her case to be called. And eventually she gets bored and goes outside to grab a smoke and hang out. And while she's out there, her case is called. She missed the whole thing, didn't even get to try the whole "come on, $120? For that? Come on, I'll give you $40 and even that's highway robbery" defense on the judge and got hit for the full value of the ticket plus court costs.

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34. If it looks real...

I was a juror for a case against a woman that was charged with selling a stolen gun to a pawn broker and possession of a gun by a convicted felon. She took the stand and admitted to finding the gun at a friend's house and taking it to the pawn broker. Her attorney's entire closing argument was that the state failed to prove that it was a gun and the charges should be dropped. Never mind the fact that she admitted to it being a gun, the guy that owned the gun said it was his gun and we had it right there in front of us the defense said it was not a gun because the state had not fired it to prove it was a gun. And of course as soon as we get back to the room to deliberate one of the other jurors said he was not convinced it was a real gun. That was a really long day.

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33. Childish ways.

A guy was in court for a DUI, and he insisted on taking the stand when his lawyer advised him not to. Turned out he wanted the judge to know the cop who arrested him was "just some rude kid trying to be a bigshot" and he wasn't even drinking, he'd only had two bottles of wine with dinner. His lawyer interrupted him to try to get him to stop talking and he told his lawyer to "shut up".

Then the judge advised him to listen to his lawyer, and he told the judge "I'm not a child, don't interrupt me," and the judge just smiled, and sat back and said "please, proceed."

We all knew it was over for this guy. He got maxed on the charge, and advised in the future if he was going to pay for a lawyer, he should listen to him.

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32. Extradite first, ask questions later.

Hands down it's a tie between every Sovereign Citizen I've seen in court for a simple traffic violation like displaying expired plates or not registering a vehicle. The defense is always a stupid variation of "This Court doesn't have jurisdiction over me because the wrong flag is displayed in the courtroom."

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31. So many questions.

I had a creepy stalker who I eventually took to court to get a restraining order against. It went something like this:

Judge: "Why do you think showing up to this young lady's home unannounced, after she has made it clear to you she is not romantically interested in you, was an acceptable thing to do?"

Guy I was getting a restraining order against: "I just wanted to lick the inside of her dog's mouth."

I got the restraining order.

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30. Shoddy workmanship.

I took a guy to small claims court because his employee/step-son installed the wrong size air-handler and installed it backwards. The guys claim was that he, personally, did not install it and that his step-son was useless. I won because it was his employee that did the work incorrectly. Afterwards the guy asked if he could come get the air-handler, told him no he should have done that in the first place.

I probably could have sued him for more, after giving us the verdict the judge gave me directions of where to go to file for suing him out of small claims court and what paper work I needed.

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29. These things happen.

I was on a jury for a domestic violence case where the woman was put in the hospital by her boyfriend, she was in a coma for 18 months and couldn't even appear in court. Apparently the guy pushed her through a door and down the stairs. The guy's defense lawyer was actually trying to get him off with a lighter sentence but then they guy opened his mouth and tried using the defense of "If she would have just listened to me about not touching my gun I wouldn't have gotten so mad! I didn't think the push was strong enough to put her through the door. I didn't mean to put her in a coma, it just happened." I couldn't believe it. He ended up spending 3 years in jail and is no longer allowed to possess weapons. He was deemed mentally incapable of handling such things.

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28. What?

I went to court to change my last name. I was 14 and wanted to change my last name to my stepdad's. My biological father had to be present for the appointment and sign off on it. It went something like this:

Judge: "Ok if everyone will sign here your name will be changed."

Bio-dad: "I'm not signing."

Judge: "Why not?"

Bio-dad: "What if she gets pregnant out of wedlock? I want the baby to have my last name."

​Reminder that I was 14 years old, had never even kissed a boy, and I hadn't spoken to my dad in at least 5 years. The judge told him that was an irrelevant point and convinced him to sign the paper. I was glad to leave that part of my life behind me that day.


27. Reasonable doubt loophole.

A few years ago I was doing jury duty at crowned court in the Old Bailey. It was to judge this gang violence case against a Sri Lankan gang in London. Essentially someone had gotten attacked with a machete in a car park and left for dead. There were 6 suspects in this trial; 2 of which had left the country. What was very clear, was that all 6 of these people were in complete cahoots.

Every one of these 4 came to trial, and blamed one other, so no one got blamed twice, but every one of them got the blame placed on them. Most of the evidence pointed to one of the guys in the trial, or one of the guys that had left the country. We had to vote 'Not guilty' because there was so much reasonable doubt against all of them that none of them could be prosecuted.

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26. Throwing bad money after bad.

I had a guy come in to my jail with a robbery charge who tried to explain that it was a misunderstanding because he just took a girl's money and kept the weed he was supposed to buy her for himself so at most he was just a bad boyfriend. He made his situation worse by throwing in "Did she tell you we're sleeping together?" She was underage.

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25. Exhibit A-.

Was sitting in court for traffic violation, the guy in front of me had a speeding ticket, to fight it he pulled out a large stack of papers, about 3/4 of an inch thick. The stack of papers was a law he pulled out from the 1990's from a different country. The poor judge had to read the whole thing through.

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24. Not so fast.

In traffic court, saw a guy who said he had been speeding "accidentally," because the speedometer in the exotic foreign car he borrowed was marked in kilometers, not miles. The (failed-at-math?) judge actually bought this defense, even though driving at 85 mph would have been displayed as 136 kmph.

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23. Anything with wheels.

I overheard this guy tell the officer that yes, his CAR license is suspended but his truck-driving one isn’t and neither is his moped license. Three people and the judge tried to explain that a suspended license means he’s lost his privilege to drive in general and all together. He kept fighting it and saying he wasn’t fixing anything cuz he’s now driving a moped and that license is still okay. He came out with saying it’s suspended for several “old” DUIs.

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22. The lady doth protest too much.

When I was watching my sister get sentenced for a minor offense, I listened to this court appointed attorney talk about this 18 year old girl who was in trouble for hitting her 50 year old coworker’s car and not telling anyone until the coworker noticed. The coworker was yelling and carrying on about how this obviously pretty concerned 18 year old girl wouldn’t even acknowledge her at work anymore and how she found her cocky and disrespectful. Her court appointed attorney basically just said “she told me she was afraid of you and wanted to stay out of your way while this was being worked out.” And the woman screamed “THAT’S RIDICULOUS.”

As far as defending yourself goes, that wasn’t a great way to do it.

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21. What a stand-up guy.

Story from driver's ed. Guy was in court for hitting 2 relatively young girls while drinking and driving. Defendant's lawyer claimed that the young girls should be at fault because "this man was drinking and the girl was sober; she should have had the reaction time to get out of the way."

Pretty stupid defense, but in terms of the worst defense, nothing beats that. Absolutely appalling.

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20. Better to say nothing at all.

Was in court for a traffic violation in the state of Florida. I'm sitting with a room full of people who are also contesting their tickets. There was a lady who looked like she was a waitress who got up to make her case in front of the judge and she point blank told the judge in front of the officer that ticketed her that her violation was "garbage from a know it all cop". The judge then questioned the officer. "Your honor, the defendant's car was going 75 in 35 and ran several stop lights". The judge then proceeded to ask why those charges were unreasonable. Her answer was parody level. "I was drinking last night and woke up late. I couldn't lose another job so I needed to be on time." She ended up paying $500 for wasting the judges time in addition to her tickets.

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19. Nothing to kibble about.

Maybe not exactly a bad defense but when I was going through the legal system with my ex-wife, there was a case before ours between a woman and her son.

She was suing him over a bag of cat food. He took a bag and never paid her for it after he’d promised. He was just kind of like, “ya, I never paid her back and I probably never will.”

What’s worse is the judge sounded so casual about it like as if it was a normal thing for him to hear. Court over a bag of cat food.

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18. Ahoy, sailor.

Not in court but I saw a guy pulled over and cops were trying to give him a field sobriety test. He said he couldn’t walk in a straight line toe to toe because he was a tugboat captain and his balance wasn’t normal. We were on a bar patio within earshot and we started laughing. Even the cops were laughing right in his face. Needless to say he got cuffed and stuffed.

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17. What a great dad.

My ex-husband came to family court with his lawyer after I was asking for any remaining custody be taken and replaced with supervision. He was caught drinking and driving a second time, this time with my kids in the car (he's a cop so there could be more that was covered up since the first time was on duty and the department tried to hide it.) Anyway, his attorney said I was kicking a guy while he was down, that's what his legal defense was. To me that was the most idiotic argument regarding the safety of my kids... my ex literally goes to calls of drinking and driving accidents where people died and still put our kids in danger.

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16. If only it were always this easy.

My girlfriend sued her ex-boyfriend over money he owed her. Basically he didn't pay rent and that sort of thing. It wasn't a ton of money, but he was being terrible about paying it back. My girlfriend was super concerned about proving her case. She had tons of receipts ready, facebook messages and texts printed off to show that he really did owe her money, and that he knew it.

So they go to small claims court. The claim was read by the judge and the judge asked the ex if he owed her that money. He said yes. Judge immediately ruled in my gf's favor and ordered him to work it out. My girlfriend never even said a word. It's possibly the funniest thing I've ever heard happen to one of my friends in court.


15. From the frying pan into the fire.

So my teacher back in law school told me about our public transportation company. They had a lawsuit against them from one of their former employees for firing her for the wrong reason. She was bullied by the person and tried to prove it in court and the public transportation system tried to argue that they did not fire her for that, but instead they fired her for always being sick and taking sick days--it's also illegal to fire someone for that reason.

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14. It's science.

I was in court and saw a lady who was already on probation for DUI gets pulled over for drinking and driving. Her defense didn't argue the blood alcohol levels which were recorded, but instead argued that she didn't drink - she was diabetic, and had an open cut on her forearm, which her dog licked while riding shotgun. The yeast in the dog's saliva began to ferment the sugar in her blood stream, which registered as alcohol.
Me for myself, I can't decide if that defense is so utterly bad that she deserves extra penalty, or whether it's so original that maybe she should take a lighter chargem blows my mind every time I think about it.

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13. Keep them handy.

Traffic Court. Elderly gentleman was pulled over for not wearing his seatbelt and swerving erratically. He told the judge that he needed to remove his seatbelt so he could reach his heart medicine because he was having chest pains. Judge looked at him like he had 3 heads and asked (roughly) 'So you thought you were having a heart attack and instead of pulling off the road you removed your seatbelt so you could fumble through your glovebox trying to find your medicine?'


12. There's a joke in here somewhere.

I have a relative who used to be a police constable. There was a guy suing someone else after a traffic accident, and claimed the movement of his arm was permanently reduced. Judge didn’t believe him for one bit, nobody did really and asked him how high he could lift his arm. He ‘grimaced’ as he painstakingly raised his arm before saying ‘here.’ Judge gives slight smirk and asks him how high he could lift his arm before - the guy lifts his arm all the way up and exclaims ‘here!’ Case got thrown out as you can imagine.

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11. Just keep piling it on.

My client and his buddies were found with a sawed off shot gun under the driver's seat and shotgun shells all over the car. His defense was that he didn't know the gun was under the seat. He said one guy found the shells in the glove box and they were playing a game of throwing them at one another. The judge turned his back to the witness stand as my client was testifying.

The day of the trial was the first time I met my client as he would not answer letters of phone calls, but showed up in court. The judge wouldn't grant a continuance.

Wait, there's an addendum. The client didn't have a valid driver's license due to a DUI. The judge saw him drive up in the parking lot. So an added charge. The added charge was perjury, as the client lied and told the judge he wasn't driving.

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10. Be a man.

My parents were getting a divorce, and my mum's lawyer was talking about my father's violent outbursts and stuff. He eventually segued into violence against the chileren. My father's genius defense, despite his lawyer shushing him was that he only hit me (oldest, and only male) because he knew I could "take it." Then my mum's lawyer whipped out the report on how he once knocked me out cold for yelling back at him when he was yelling at me (I was unconscious for a minute or so, and barely missed the edge of the hardwood table with my head).

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9. An honest criminal.

I was waiting in court for a traffic ticket, when a woman's case came up. She was able to prove that the time on the ticket (9 pm) was incorrect, since the officer (who was on the stand) admitted he worked the early shift that day. He had meant 9 am, but the argument was made that if he made one mistake on the ticket, there could be others. Judge agreed, ticket dismissed.

So then this good old home boy contests his ticket next. Officer gets up, runs through the usual (time of day, location, weather conditions, radar, etc). At the end of it, the home boy just nods. The judge, patient as ever, asks if wants to challenge any part of the officer's statement:

"No, no,' says Home Boy. "No that was really good."

"So if you are admitting guilt, why did we just do this," the judge asked.

"Well, I figure that woman got off on a mistake, maybe this cop would make a mistake too," explained home boy.

"Did she?" asked the judge.

"Nope," said home boy, "Happened just like he said."

Everyone in the courtroom laughed, and home boy got a small fine.

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8. Twisting the knife.

I was approached by this man who is 24 in a country town, I was taking photos when he walked past me, said hello and went to shake my hand as if to open conversation or at least be social. I shook his hand then whilst in the moment of letting go of his hand, he pulled a 6 inch pocket knife and stabbed me between the bottom two ribs on the ribcage.

The guy got away with stabbing me when I was 16 because it was "the first aggressive crime they committed" so the Judge decided a 3 month Correction Order was more than enough.

That's not even the worse part, unfortunately. Because I was a victim of a crime, I had the chance to contact Victims of Crime and receive up to $60,000AUD. You get 2 years to do this before it expires and is no longer available. Whilst in the process of doing this, I was asked by my lawyer to collect the Report done by the Detectives who interviewed me, so I went to the Police station to collect them and apparently they could never find it, all the officers I spoke to would inform me that they would contact me once the report was found, but to this day I still haven't received anything. I had to chuck away the possibility of receiving the compensation because a few officers couldn't locate a file that should be kept on a directory.

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7. He scores with a long shot.

As a public defender, you're thrown into a lot of crappy cases with little hope of winning and with very little time to win them. My approach was to make any argument within the ethical rules that govern attorneys. Which led me to a hilarious court appearance:

My client was charged with possession of marijuana, a misdemeanor first offense that carries no jail time in my state. Client and his friend were smoking in a park, some citizen reports it to the police, and the cops come and find them in their car after smoking. My client admits to the cop that he was smoking. Obviously I'm thinking he's got no defense here. Other guy admits to smoking and gives the police the weed and pipe from his backpack. The entirety of the evidence was the admission and the physical evidence. So, I argue at trial (bench trial, no jury), with n0 expectation of winning, that the state failed to prove my client ever possessed the marijuana. "Your honor, for all we know, the other guy at all times had possession of the marijuana. For all we know, he held the pipe to my clients lips and lit it for him." A discussion amongst myself, the judge, and the prosecutor ensues re: can you smoke marijuana and not be in possession of it? I got the decision a few months later: not guilty.

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6. Bad person; worse defense.

I’m an animal control officer, and I was seeking permanent possession of this guy’s dog after he bit, choked, and tormented it (he’d already been charged with animal cruelty, which is a separate case date). This guy was what we call a seasonal transient, meaning he was a part of our homeless population but he only stayed in the city during the summer.

In court, his defense ranged from admitting he had made a mistake to accusing the witnesses during cross-examination, as he represented himself, of being biased against homeless people. His story also fluctuated about why he did this to his dog, first because "she's dog aggressive and I was disciplining her" despite no other dogs ever having been present to a vague "she wasn't listening to me."
My "favorite" parts were the following: He tried to argue that because we had no photos of physical damage, no abuse had occurred. Unfortunately for him, our state cruelty laws don't require an animal to be injured to be considered abused. He had pulled her up by her ears so that her front feet didn't touch the ground and bit her multiple times on the ears and face, In court he defended this by claiming that it was a valid training technique used by "Alaskans" and many breeders. His proof was a handwritten name and number of a "breeder friend of his" on a square of paper.
He lost and his dog, An absolute sweetheart with huge bat ears was adopted by an older retired couple looking for a good pet to keep them company at home.

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5. The insanity plea is getting old.

My ex-husband just argued in court that his DVPO (domestic violence protection order) should be lifted, not because he didn't do it, but because I'm "crazy". Must've been pretty demoralizing for him when the couple ahead of us had the same sad defense. The commissioner was visibly irritated having to say it twice "Violence against the mentally ill is just as illegal as violence against anyone. Her mental state is not a relevant argument."
I mean why do people think they can just call her crazy and the judge will go "Hmm. Okay, if you say so. I guess you had every right to break her jaw."
He almost once submitted a police report where he assaulted me with broken glass as evidence that I'm crazy (because I broke the bowl) and that his assaulting me was warranted. That didn't go well for him. He also recently submitted a vocal recording of me begging him to stop abusing me and him telling me to stuff it as evidence he's not abusive.

What's shocking us how well this defense has actually worked. 9 times out of 10 no but it's so nonsensical that often it confuses whoever's listening to the point of just wanting him to quit his whining.


4. Not the time for bad manners.

I was a paralegal for a district attorneys office for several years. I've seen a lot of very dumb criminals in court. Most of the time I volunteer to go take notes because I can get a good laugh once in a while. It's not the worst defense, or even a defense, but I always have one story that sticks in my mind about dumb criminals. It was during in-custody arraignments on a Saturday morning, so mostly drinkers that did something stupid while partying on a Friday night, young guys and gals in jumpsuits looking scared. The judge that morning had a pretty easy-going nature, and would ask a few questions to each defendant, usually along the lines of, "What's your name, says here you committed [blank crime]...tell me what you do for a living and how you're going to better yourself so you don't commit [crime] anymore, and I'll let you go home [until later arraignment date]."

ALL of the answers were scared responses from these kids, like, "I live at home with my mom...I'm a banker, so I get a paycheck. I promise I'll never drink again so I won't commit [crime] anymore!" Then they'd get dismissed or set up for their next court date, but they got to go home regardless.

...all the kids except one guy. To give you a mental picture here, imagine a 30-ish Y/O male with no hair, big long blonde beard, and facial tattoos so you could barely tell that he was white. He walks up to the podium, before even being asked the questions from the judge, and says, "My name is [blank], I live [at his address], and I make no promises I'm not going to commit this crime again." So, first statement, a basic confession. Way to go.

Judge blinks a couple times, then says, "...ok. And what do you do for a living, [blank]? How do you make money?"

[Blank] responds, "Well judge, no offense or nothin', but that's none of your business, so don't ask."

Judge just makes a big smile back at him and says, "Great! You're in contempt for swearing at me, sooooo....see you tomorrow! Maybe you'll have some better answers for me then." Guards just wrapped [blank] right back up and took him back to holding. It was wonderful.

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3. Thank goodness for casual Friday.

Traffic court. I was the defendant. I show up in a suit and tie, and am waiting for my attorney. Judge is there, first part of the day is just making sure we all show up and then the city attorney offers us a discount to plead guilty (i.e. first time offenders have to sign up for a class on safe driving, other than that 30% off the top - ALWAYS FIGHT YOUR TICKETS PEOPLE!). Anyway, I wasn't going to accept a plea deal because I had an airtight case. Even my lawyer agreed - she was nice and actually listened to me and did the ground work.

So she shows up, I've already "checked in" and she and I refused the initial offer. She then tells me to go wait outside while the city attorney tries - again - to get me to take the plea (and others).

So the thing with traffic court is that the officer who wrote the ticket has to show up. My attorney was concerned because the guy who ticketed me typically shows up. So we go back into court and I'm sitting there and a group of guys come in all wearing ripped jeans and graphic tshirts with dirty work boots. One of them looks familiar but I can't place him and figure it's just some more people waiting for tickets.

They were the cops for the various cases.

The judge was not amused. Their defense for their "condition" was that court was "too early". Me, and about ten other people all had our tickets dismissed. I have the signed letter from the judge framed. We didn't have to say a thing. The poor city attorney though. He looked like he was about to die when the judge asked to speak to him. Like seriously, I honestly feel he felt he was walking to his execution.

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2. Public humiliation for the win.

The worse defense I ever saw was when my ex-wife was trying to take my son away from me.
I previously just a year before won full custody over him due to abuse and conditions he suffered under her household. While she didn't conduct any of the abuse herself she knew of it and did nothing choosing her then partner over our son. After that year was up she still had visitation rights and the Summer, she decides to take my son in the Summer and refuses to give him back under this delusion that my custody was only good for a year.

Now, previously I went easy on her in court because in the middle of our first court battle she gave up because she didn't want all the terrible things about her to get out publicly. This time in the attempt to save my son from was should have been treated as a kidnapping, I pulled no punches and talked more about her and how she is unfit as a mother and unstable as a person. Her history of suicidal and self destructive behaviors (which my son picked up on and thankfully through therapy no longer partakes in) such as self mutilation. How she use to threaten to hurt our son when we were together and how she never puts him first even when he is being abused which lead to me getting him in the first place.

Quick clarification, so originally she had full custody of our son I know how absurd that sounds but the first time around in court during the divorce I was absolutely screwed and unfairly so.

Anyhow, the judge asks her about these behaviors and she screams out in the middle of the courtroom "I don't want to hurt anybody, I just want to kill myself!" The entire courtrooms was in shock and just fell silent for a moment. Her lawyer just kind of slumps down and that certainly was the nail in the coffin for her case. I didn't even have a lawyer and thought I was so screwed despite being the stable and obvious parent my son should be with. When the judge gave the judgement in my favor one of the reasons given was the erratic behavior my ex-wife displayed in the court.

If anyone is wondering how my son is doing, he is doing great he went from living with her and constantly missing school and poor grades and being frightened and abused all the time.
To a loving household where he is now a perfect A student and hasn't missed a single day of school in over two years. He's happy and is a wonderful kid that I admire because I don't know if I could do as well as he has if our roles were reversed.

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1. Smashing stereotypes.

When I was in law school I worked with a group that helped get restraining orders for people in abusive relationships. Family court in Queens was very much a cattle call situation and it was easy to watch hearing after hearing, which I always found fun. On one particular day there were two absolutely amazing hearings.

One was a case of two gay men. The guy claiming abuse was a HUGE man. Fat and definitely over 6' 4''. He was against his tiny partner. At first the magistrate was very incredulous, likely thinking what we were all thinking about the massive size disparity between the two. When the tiny guy got up to speak, he started scolding his larger partner for saying things like that, and at some point, he threw a pen at the bigger man. The bigger guy started to cry, and then the little guy started taunting him.

The other involved a man trying to get an ex parte order against his girlfriend, which is relatively rare. It happens, but the vast majority are women getting them against men. This time however, before his particular hearing could start, a women came into the court room flanked with two other women. They were all three straight out of central casting for what you'd imagine NYC gang women to look like. They walk in, and see the woman's partner seated in the court room (though his hearing wasn't up yet). She immediately starts threatening everyone in the room, but especially the magistrate, the magistrate had them escorted out with the bailiffs. About 30 minutes later, the dudes hearing was up, the magistrate basically immediately granted the restraining order and said he'll put a note in for the full hearing about that woman's conduct.


0. He who represents himself

When I was a young prosecutor I did a lot of traffic cases. This guy refused to pay his speeding tickets so we had to go to trial. He represented himself. He began with a long speech explaining the reasons why he had like 10 speeding tickets. I was about to object when I realized he had accidentally confessed to a MUCH more serious crime. When he was done talking, he was arrested, kicking and screaming. His crime was so serious he ended up getting 20 years!

It turned out the reason he was driving was to go pick up his "girlfriend." From high school.



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