This one happened TO me. Absolutely brutal, but hilarious.

I was on a job site with a co-worker named Scott, redoing some plumbing in an empty house. We had an iPod going, and a song by White Zombie comes on. I can't remember the name of it, but the intro has audio clips of a woman having a climax.

I yell to Scott, "Hey, I think your wife is here!" He was sweeping up some dust after drilling a hole through some concrete, so, he scoops it up, walks over, and very slowly pours it on the floor in front of me with a smirk on his face and says, "Hey Pat, your mom's here."

My mother had been cremated about 3 weeks before this happened.

Rekt.

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Back in the day I was in Quality Control (USAF). QC were the bad guys who were always checking up on how equipment and aircraft were being repaired and maintained. We were the guys who wanted to see the technical data out, open, and being followed. We wore black baseball caps with white "QC" letters on them.

One evening I wandered into the Avionics building around the midnight shift change time. There I was spotted by a Technical Sergeant who did not like me much. He was surrounded by three young female troops and apparently couldn't resist showing off for them and messing with me. He said loudly, "Look out... It's QC - the Queen Chaser." I quickly replied, "That's right, Sergeant Boyle... I'll give you five minutes head start." The girls all burst out laughing and the sergeant turned red... and never bothered me again.

My buddies and I were in college and walking back from a bar fairly late in the evening. A homeless man kept annoyingly hounding us about giving him some money (this college town has a homeless community reputation so we’re used to it).

Anyways he followed us a block or so and exclaims, “Oh, so you’re too cool to give me money? Where do you think you’re going ignoring me like that?”

My buddy’s single word roast: he looks back and says “HOME!”

It took us a minute to realize how badly he just ended this man’s whole career! Still talk about it to this day.

Was out one time with a very good friend of mine, some friends and their friends.

Anyway I just happen that these two very nice looking girls were left with me and my mate while rest of the others were getting drinks or food.

We all just did the usual small talk and then it died off, those 'hot' girls were really not interested in us regular looking blokes.

So after about 5mins of uncomfortable silence and ho humming.

One of the girls looking around says out loud to the other girl making sure we hear it as well. "I wonder where all the good looking guys are at?"

I instantly thought "you're really a piece of work!" as if that was not directed at us, and my mate who had some self-esteem issues as it was just started to hang his head slowly and slouch.

Without missing a beat I retorted, "They are all probably with all the good looking girls."

My mate wore the widest grin I had ever seen, and I obviously had a smirk on my face I could not hide.

So the two "hot" girls made humph sound and excused themselves never to be seen again.

This younger lady was acting like a total witch in this restaurant to the staff and this middle-aged lady said, “Oh honey, you’re not pretty enough to act like that.” I think the world stopped spinning for a second after that one.

A friend of mine in first year university had never really dated any girls yet. This dumb meathead that we were kind of friends with told him, "When you do get a girlfriend, I'm totally going to bang her."

He responded, "If I had a girlfriend that would bang you, her cheating on me wouldn't be the issue."

Not quite an insult, but I still think of this comeback to this day.

I have two little brothers and it was my dad's birthday so the semi-extended family were all at a restaurant to celebrate. I had just graduated from my dad's alma mater, and my middle brother was currently a junior there. My youngest brother (a freshman), however, opted to go to state school.

At one point my uncle said, "So [youngest brother], how does your dad feel about you breaking the trend of [our last name] men going to [alma mater]?"

My little bro thought for a moment and then said, "Well, he probably doesn't mind considering I also broke the trend of not being able to get higher than a 3.0."

The table exploded and my other brother and I just stared at each other across the table like holy fuck did we just get brutally murdered?

It's especially funny because my little bro was one of those shy high school kids who went off to college and came back fun and socially confident. I was hoping that development would happen, I just never expected it to stab me in the fucking face.

My former friend was 12 years my senior and she fancied herself pretty heavily. She was OK, but I doubt anyone was losing sleep over her. Dressed waaaaaay too young, trying to hold on to her youth.

One day she pointed out that I was overweight and dumpy-looking next to her. I'd finally had enough (she made these comments often) and I said, "Well what about you?"

"Excuse me?!" she snapped, "I have the body of a 22 year old!"

"Well give it back, you're stretching it out!"

Random kid: "You're so fat I bet you can't see your junk in the shower."

My friend: "Nope, only your mom's head."

Was once criticized by an older family member for having a stray tooth that gave me a bit of a craggy smile as an adolescent (it has settled in nicely). I was raised to not criticize what people can't help and to give compliments where possible and so I did just that, sorta.

Aunt: Nice crocodile smile!

Me: Uh, thanks...

Aunt: It's just that tooth, you know, makes your smile all crooked but it's not that bad. You could get it fixed.

Me: I suppose but I know I'll never have teeth as nice as yours are. They are like stars.

Aunt: Like stars? You mean as in bright?

Me: No, as in they come out at night.

My uncle had given me a book called 1001 Insults for Every Occasion, a while earlier and that gem was in it.

When I was in middle school many years ago a bully was teasing an awkward kid about not being able to get girls and being "gay" and never being able to get laid. Another bully spoke up to the first bully and said, "Fool, the last time you were inside a girl it was because you hadn't been born yet." The entire class and the teacher erupted with laughter. The original bully shut up after that.

A neighborhood kid was picking on my daughter, and she replied with:

"I'm sorry you are so sad."

Kid just walked away.

A girl told me if I took my shirt off at the beach the glare would blind everyone (because I was so pale).

I told her, "At least when I go the beach people don't try to push me back into the sea."

Was jokingly asked out to prom in front of whole class by a "popular" girl who definitely had no interest in me. Without a moment's hesitation, I said, "No, Lauren. I have standards. I'm sorry." The whole class including the teacher absolutely lost it.

Sitting in a bar at 3AM off of Bourbon St. The windows are just open shutters. Dude who just left the bar leans in on our table to shout at some friends still in the bar. One of our group makes a silly/snide comment. Dude leaning in smacks the table with an open palm and says, “Everybody who ever loved you was wrong.” Then he walks away without looking back.

We still revel in that story.

"Me respeita muleque! A única razão que eu não sou teu pai é porque tua mãe não tinha troco pra 20!"

Which roughly means: "Show some respect boy! The only reason I'm not your dad is because your mom didn't have change for a 20!"

During my University days, I ran into a friend/acquaintance of mine. And I was holding a Green Lantern Graphic Novel. My friend introduced me to his current girlfriend and THE FIRST THING she says to me while shaking my hand was, "Aren't comic books for kids?" And I replied, "Aren't those A Cups for kids?"

Honestly I was in so much shock that someone I just met would say that to me that I replied on instinct. Still my greatest comeback ever.

I was playing spades one time and a guy tried to lead the game off with a spade. I told him he couldn't do that; spades have to be broken first. He refused to play by the rules, so I refused to play. He started singing, "The wheels on the bus go round and round," to imply that I was acting like a child. He asked me, "Do you know why I'm singing that?" I said, "Yeah, cause I'm taking you to school."

I was in 1st grade and we were on the bus about to go home, and some mean bully yelled at me and it went like this.

Bully: Hey (My name) why are you so gay!!!?

Me: Because I like to copy you!

Bus: OoooOOoOHHhhhhhH

That was the best comeback I have ever made, and the kid behind me said “nice” then like bro slapped my hand and I felt so cool.

Later in 7th grade I figured out I was gay sooo, checkmate bully...

Teacher: asks a tough question

Jimmy: says the correct answer

Karen: You‘re such a nerd.

Teacher: Be nice to him Karen, he could be your boss someday.

Jimmy: It‘s okay, teacher. I have no interest in running a cat house anyway.

The whole class lost its mind.

Today in one of my classes we were working on a project about careers, and one of the kids shouted, "I want to be a male stripper." The teacher responded, "I think you might be missing some of the qualifications for that job."

For years, I was told that my sort-of-comeback was the best thing that anybody had ever heard, mostly because I was the quiet kid that nobody could get a rise out of. Naturally, because they couldn't get a rise out of me, everybody tried to get me flustered by insulting me, or framing me for things that no teacher ever believed because it was never the quiet kid.

Essentially, I walked into class one day, and the teacher wasn't there, but this other girl, S, was up at the whiteboard writing out a long-running joke about our teacher that made him angry. It was about his assigned teacher number, and two years of developing a joke is a bit hard to explain. It became a bit of an inside joke. Either way, I sat down, she finished, and the teacher came in, noticing what was written on the board. He asked who did it, and immediately, this girl and a few of the girls around her said, "Sebaren did it!" Note we were about 15 at the time, so they should have been beyond this.

I don't know what it was, but something made me wordlessly walk up to the board, fix her spelling and punctuation errors, and then sit down. Only when I had sat down did I turn to the girl who'd done it to say, "I have standards."

The class collectively lost their minds, including the girls who hadn't seen it coming, and the teacher laughed so hard he went red in the face and cried. To me, it seems like they just found it so funny because it was me because I don't see anything particularly special or savage about it.

Crotchety old bat from my grandparents' church: "Why can't you be more like Michael? He's such an angel."

Me, a 15-year-old boy who knew Michael did things that would straighten the perm out of her hair: "If you'd actually read the bible, you'd know Satan was an angel too."

The annoying kid of our grade had a spray bottle and kept on spraying it on people even though they asked him to stop. Eventually one girl walked to him and it went something like this: "Dude, can you stop?" "Nah." "Aw, is that the only way you can make a girl wet?"

Here's my favorite self-burn.

In high school math class. A nice, nerdy guy named Richard. A jerk whose name I forget, let's call him Jerk. Jerk keeps calling Richard "Dick." Like, "Hey, Dick, did you get the answer to #4?" Richard keeps calmly saying, "It's Richard." Finally the teacher says, "Richard, what do you prefer to be called?" Richard says, "I prefer Richard." Jerk says, "Well, I prefer Dick."

After a few seconds of uproarious laughter from the rest of the class, Jerk realized what he said and sunk as far down in his seat as possible and never bugged Richard again.

We were teenagers in the 80s so this was the height of hilarity.

Alright so it goes like this!

I had a bully in high school who was tiny! Like under 5 foot! I was 6'3" at the time so he would always pick on me, throw stuff at my head, push me around, stuff like that. I never fought back 'cause I hate violence.

Anyway one day we were in a class together an the class went on lock down. It wasn't a drill but we were told the campus wasn't in danger. So jokingly I said, "I know why we're locked down! Maybe the zombie apocalypse started!"

The bully immediately replies, "You nerd, zombies aren't real!"

I shot back, "Yeah, well, we didn't think Hobbits were real but your standing here aren't you!"

He lunged at me and got in trouble.

I should mention too that this kid later apologized to me and I completely forgave him for everything he did! Lots of talk of beating people up in the comments. Breed love not hate, boys and girls!

My old roommate's wife was a waitress. She's quite attractive. She's serving a table one night of middle aged business men who have been drinking. They're mostly polite, but one dude is starting to get pretty hammered and really forward with his comments. He tells her, "I really want you to sit on my face." Without missing a beat, she replies, "Because your nose is bigger than your johnson?"

The rest of the table went nuts. The dude turned bright red and left her alone. Although she later admitted he wasn't being THAT rude, just got too comfortable.

Some group of college freshmen filled a rubber with water and tried to drop it on my head (missed). I snuck up on them and started crap with them. Most were apologetic, but one of the girls gave me attitude and said “it wasn’t used or anything.” I said “of course it isn’t... look at you.”

I was angry at the time, but I’ve actually felt terrible about it ever since. She wasn’t even ugly, but I could tell it made her feel bad. In any case, it was my best work.

Secret Santa gift exchange in college. One guy gets a collection of British currency (he liked to collect foreign bills and coins) and a girl makes a rude comment about it being a stupid gift. Cue my mouth running off before my brain can stop it, "Karen don't be rude. He just didn't want you to be the only one who gained 20 pounds this semester."

Pandemonium ensued as her boyfriend tried to pick a fight while she burst into tears. It was not the best day for the club.

The story of how my grandparents went on their first date has the greatest comeback ever.

My grandpa was working a sub shop at the register. My grandma was in line (they’ve kind of met a few times in passing before) and she gets up to the register and my grandfather (attempting to hit on her) says “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” And my grandma replies, “I don’t know but you’ve been doing it longer than I have”.

And they’ve been happily married ever since.

Back in teenagedom arguing with my mum about chores.

Mum: "You think I should wipe your butt for you too?"

Me: "Beats doing it myself!"

Mum: Wipes my face.

We both laughed so hard we forgot about the argument.

We were in Chemistry class. Can’t remember why but the teacher was really angry and giving us some kind of lecture.

My friend farted loudly and the teacher looked at him furiously and said, "That was out of order." My friend said, "Sorry sir, didn’t know it was your turn."

That got him a detention.

Dating a girl in college, I was in second year (19) and she was a grad student (26). She was really apprehensive about her looks and our age difference.

One time we were cuddling and she said, "You shouldn't be with me, you should be with someone young and beautiful and thin."

She set me up perfectly. I just wrapped my arms around her waist, looked her in the eyes very seriously, and said, "But honey, I don't want someone who is young and beautiful and thin. I want you."

She jabbed me in the ribs, and then laughed for 20 minutes.

I'm friends with this guy that has a large nose. It's not bad looking, it actually suits him quite well, but I'll poke fun at him for it sometimes.

Anyways, one day we were roasting each other, so I hit him with "Your nose is bigger than Kim Kardashian's butt."

He came back with "You have bigger boobs than your mother."

I'm a guy. I shut up after that.

Many years ago when I was twelve, I got into an argument with my mother and father.

Exasperated, my mother said, "You talk like you think your father and I don't have a brain between us."

I immediately said, "No, I do think you have a brain between you."

My father burst out laughing -- end of argument.

Standing in line for the cafeteria in high school. Two middle-schoolers arguing in front of me. One little wise guy hits the other with, “I bet you don’t even know how many chromosomes you have.” The other doesn’t even blink before shouting back, “More than you!”

I instantly lost my mind laughing. Definitely not the smartest comeback, but easily the funniest I’ve heard.

Once watched a fight in school between 2 girls. After  a few minutes of back and forth, this is said:

Girl 1: Would you wear socks if you had no feet?

Girl 2: (confused) What?

Girl 1: (slowly) Would you wear socks if you had no feet?

Girl 2: (still confused) No.

Girl 1: Why do you wear a bra then?

Fight over.

Reply by a kindergartner, to a pair of 5th graders who tried to tell him Santa isn't real: "Santa brings me presents, and if Santa doesn't bring you presents, you should think about why."

Was getting my hair cut and this mother and her four kids come in. Immediately I felt bad for the mother because one of the young boys was running around like he just drank two Red Bulls. At one point the mother snapped after telling him to behave four or five times and threatened to take away his PS3. The entire place went silent because she yelled it and you could tell she was already embarrassed.

What came out of her son's mouth was to this day the funniest stuff I've ever heard. He yelled, "If you take away my PlayStation I'm going to tell grandma that daddy puts his pee pee in your mouth!"

The mother didn't even respond; she just grabbed her kids and left the salon. Everyone burst into hysterics afterwards.

Kid in class: “I don’t have a problem with people being gay in their houses, I just don’t want to see it out in the world. I don’t like looking at it. It disgusts me.”

Me: “I don’t like looking at ugly people but nobody is making you wear a bag over your face.”

My dear Grandmother. She had a quick and savage wit.

My fiancé and I held a 'meet the whole family' get together at my house. It was the first time his father met my grandmother.

His dad was a large, physically intimidating man with a beer gut.

He began telling stories to my grandmother about how my fiance was a mischief maker when he was young. Then told my grandmother how he would take off his belt and whip Joe for being bad.

My frail little grandmother stares directly at my hubby's dad's tummy and says, "Your belt? How ever could you find it?"

Future father-in-law was gobsmacked.

Only comeback I'd ever had the pleasure of making myself was at a Walgreens. I was behind some woman in line who was generally trying to make the cashier's job a living nightmare, berating the girl, insisting she'd been given the incorrect amount of change, etc. The poor girl behind the counter was just trying to be nice and get through a single bad customer.

After she said something about "the worst help I've ever had," I just replied, "Hey, give the lady a break." Not overtly hostile, but she turned to me and sneered, "Why don't you mind your own business?"

With all the quick-thinking I could muster, I just responded, "Lady, I'm a veterinarian. Cows are my business." The few amassed customers and the cashier looked like they were gonna lose it. The lady gave me a glare that could chill bones, but she decided to just ignore me for the rest of her transaction -- but she hightailed it out of that Walgreens.

In hindsight, I'm pretty lucky she didn't escalate the conflict.

How to make a best friend for life!

It was 2001 when I was in 5th grade. My dad did my pony tails in the morning and they were not cute. As I was walking away from my classmates I overheard my bully laughing and saying, “Her hair is messed up in the back.” And the new girl in school shouted back to her, “Well, your face is messed up in the front.”

God that was awesome. I’ll never forget that as long as I live and we’re still friends to this day.

I wanted to give an update on my bully; we later became friends. Turns out, she had her own stuff going on at home and that’s why she was horrible to me for all of those years. It was my dad who told me to invite her to my birthday party and talk to her outside of school. My dad rocks. He was so right.