Think you know everything about men? Well, think again. The following list contains classified chap info. Cryptic bro bombshells. Top secret masculine mojo. Discreet dude details on the down-low. Basically, here's a key to all those mysterious things that guys do. These are the undisclosed "Guy Secrets" that women don't know. Maybe it should have stayed that way? We'll let you be the judge of that.
58. We're efficient.
Sometimes we use the stream of our pee to try and clean poop stains on the bottom of toilet bowls.
57. We're committed.
I had a girl tell me that my hair cut looked nice. I’ve kept that same hair cut for 4 years since then.
56. We're squeaky clean.
Just because we're in the shower for an abnormally long time doesn't mean we're doing something untoward. Guys like to have long hot showers too ya know.
55. Stay cautious.
It’s not that we can’t take hints; we are just afraid of looking too far into something. If someone is flirting with me I have the dilemma of “Is she actually into me or is this just how her personality is?”
54. It's mostly hydraulics.
Boners don’t automatically mean arousal. That will never be said enough. Most of the time I’m not even aware of it happening.
53. It can be a lot, sometimes.
It's not the stress of work that's so bad; it's the stress of everyone depending on you working. We don't like our jobs and are forced to put in 40-50 hours a week, for the next 40-50 years. We desperately want to stop but can't because everyone is depending on us. If I drop the ball and quit or get fired it severely impacts the whole family. So I'm desperately trying to do well even though all I want to do is quit and stay at home. The stress is crippling with no end in sight.
52. Don't be shy.
If you want something to happen between us, you gotta meet us half way. If we’re not making a move, we are probably doing our best to not to come off as jerks.
51. Tell it like it is.
We don't get the hint. Saying "I almost broke my neck in the driveway" is not the same as asking us to shovel it. In my mind I'm thinking "Thanks for the heads up, I'll be careful."
50. Good to know.
I'm not staring at you, I'm zoned out thinking about how I'd start a brewery in Medieval England whilst my eyes just happen to be facing your direction.
49. Make a move.
Guys also like to be walked up to and asked out. My current girlfriend, soon to be fiancée, asked me out. We worked at the same company, and she just came up to me and said “Hey, I think you and I should go get dinner tonight.” I asked her who else was going, and she said “I think it’d be nice if it was just you and me.” So yeah, that was pretty cool.
49. Be obvious.
As a favor, I worked on a girl's car one time and got pretty dirty. Afterwards, she asked me if I wanted to come inside and take a shower. I told her "no" because I hadn't brought any clean clothes to put on after the shower. She just kinda giggled. Yeah, us guys aren't exactly too bright when it comes to reading between the lines.
48. Play ball.
We desperately want you to toss us things instead of just handing them to us. Everything. Even if it's a baby.
47. Let it be.
Sometimes we want to not do anything because we get hard for no reason. Female teachers need to be told this in our education classes.
Honestly, I wish there had been a lesson in my education classes on how to deal with the awkward moments teenagers experience. Female teachers-to-be could have been taught how to handle boys having random boners without embarrassing the boy.
46. Be sensitive.
It's actually not always so easy to get an erection. Sometimes he's tired, or he's nervous or worried, or he's on meds that make it difficult (antidepressants are notorious for this) or any number of things. The stereotype is that men are always ready to get up and go, but this is far from true. So don't expect it, and don't be offended when his junk doesn't want to play, even if he does.
45. Can't fix everything.
When people come crying to us, our first inclination is to fix the problem.
Since this is (often) not possible, lead with something along the lines of “Can I vent for a minute?” Or anything that signals to us this is just a time for active listening, rather than a problem solving session.
44. Don't look back in anger.
If you want something just ask us. We are task orientated. Saying, "I'm cold," won't always register to us as, "I need a blanket can you get me one." And if you're mad at us for something just tell us and we will probably stop doing that thing if it's realistic. DON'T just fester in your anger for days and wonder why we don't care. We do, we just have no idea what you want us to do.
43. Take an interest.
If we have a goofy hobby and you take interest in it, even the slightest, we love it.
I’m a big gamer and my wife (who also games but not the same ones I play) will often watch what I’m doing, ask about the game, and generally take an interest.
Her saying “oh, are you looking forward to Anthem?” is really cool and I appreciate her interest, it’d be so easy for her to pay no attention, and her doing so makes a big difference.
42. Hairstyling tips.
We really do think your hair is good. It looked good before and after you got a hair cut. If looked good curly and it looked good straight. It looked good when you woke up and when you made it. As long as its shaped like the hair we gave girls on stick figures when we were 5 years old, we think it looks good.
41. We keep it bottled up.
Men have just as many issues with mental health - depression, anxiety, body issues. Please recognize this. I hate living in a world where it’s not socially acceptable for men to talk about these things.
A lot of guys would talk about their experiences and issues but don’t feel like they can. I feel like we just sort of ignore the issue and guys that have mental health issues are sort of looked down upon because men are all supposed to be outgoing and confident. Maybe you have a guy friend who doesn’t get out a lot, maybe he’s acting strange or isn’t totally there - this might be why.
I had a friend in college who really tried to get me to go to a male group therapy session - the thought of it gave me anxiety and I didn't go... but I really regret not going. I was able to make my situation better by removing myself from the toxic environment that I found myself in and talking more openly about my struggles to friends who would listen. I found outlets through film, media, music, and comedy. I'm not an expert on these issues but I know them firsthand. If you need help I strongly urge you to reach out to someone or seek therapy and find different outlets that spark joy.
40. Let's talk about it.
Men can have eating disorders and body positivity issues too! I've struggled for years, and yet the few people that I do open up to about it just write it off as a phase or just forgetting to eat once in a while. But when girls come forward with the same issue it's immediately addressed as a serious matter. And when the issue is talked about on a larger scale, men are rarely, if ever, included.
39. Wise words.
Dudes can be crazy starved for touch. Or maybe just Americans but generally if you wanna be there for your guy, scratch his head or like, his back. Hold his hand, put your hand on his leg, do that thing where you guys lock arms/elbows when you walk.
When I’m frustrated or in my own world stressing about money or what I have to do later that day, it really brings me back and grounds me to enjoy the moment with my girl.
Take care of yo’ manz.
38. Carry that weight.
We feel a great social pressure to be strong, less emotional, carry others, make money. A lot of times we don’t know how to. And we’re scared. But we know we’re not supposed to be, and we know we’re not supposed to ask for help. So we get stressed and angry.
37. Know your place.
There is an unwritten rule of bathroom urinal etiquette that is never taught to young men, but is somehow universally known.
When a man enters a public restroom to pee in the urinal, he is to occupy every other available urinal from other urinating men. Meaning, the prime peeing positions are in urinals 1, 3, and 5 if that is available. 2 and 4 should only be occupied if there are no other choices.
36. You look cool, bro.
Most guys (at least that I know of) compliment other men in their heads but don’t say it aloud so that way we aren’t mistaken for being gay (which there is nothing wrong with). I compliment my best buds just to see their faces light up. I think more men need to get complimented on small things, it doesn’t happen that often.
35. Downtime is priceless.
When we come home from work, we could use some down time to do nothing. The car ride home does not count. Give us 20-30 minutes without unloading.
This may be true for everyone, but having a moment to just be dormant on your couch or in front of the tv lets our body and brain say, “Work is over and you can put it behind you!”
35. Snuggle up.
Cuddling with any girl (hell some guys too) with whom we’re close is the best thing ever. Even if it’s not a person you’re interested in, it just feels great. I feel safe, loved, and important whenever that happens.
34. Learn each other's language.
When you think you are being clear you are not being clear. At least thirty percent of the time a girlfriend tells me about something I'm completely unsure what she really means.
I used to think when I found a girl where that didn't happen she'd be the one. I now realize that approach is a surefire way to achieve a lifetime of bachelorhood.
33. Mommas boys.
My dad served in the Pacific during WW2. A kid from the Bronx, he had never been out of the Bronx in his entire life.
Then he got sent to New Guinea.
Decades later, as he lay dying in the hospital bed, he told us: as his young friends were being slaughtered by other young men, just before they died, they always cried for their mothers, never for their fathers, always for their mothers.
He said, "they were just kids, just kids being slaughtered by other kids."
And then they died, in his arms.
Their last words were always, "where is my mother? where is my mother? Where is my mother?"
Never for their fathers.
That affected him for his entire life. And dad lived a long time. He was the lucky one.
32. We all got issues.
Many men have anxiety and/or depression but we will not talk about and will get moderately annoyed at you for bringing it up.
31. The drama down under.
The mental struggle we have to go through to not scratch around our groin in a public setting. It'll take 100% of my willpower to not do it. The itching can drive me insane yet the euphoria from actually scratching it is so good, I often imagine this must be what it's like scratching a dogs ears.
30. Together in eternity.
As an older man, we don't expect you to look like a supermodel as we age together. Yes, at times I do see you as I did 30 years ago and every wrinkle and flaw disappears. Yes, there are times I see every wrinkle and flaw, and know how you got every one of them. They are beautiful too.
29. Ouch.
Sometimes, for the uncircumcised amongst us, your foreskin will roll up and completely refuse to stay rolled down again. This leads to the driest, most uncomfortable bell-to-cloth scenario that requires an awkward navigation toward the nearest bathroom. In such circumstances, there is no hope of being able to concentrate on any task. The feeling of having a rotary bench sander in your pants tends to occupy 99% of cognitive function.
28. Nice sentiment.
I'm always afraid of accidentally making women feel uncomfortable in my presence, for example when I happen to walk in the same direction as a woman in front of me for a while. So I go out of my way to slow down, or speed up, when walking in proximity to a woman and we're both alone.